Trusting God

During all the years of my childhood occult training, one of my biggest takeaways has been that I am not safe. Safety comes with obedience, yet even compliance is not enough to keep me safe. So I learned to perform, manipulate, and call on all evil spirits and humans for rescue and power, but it was never enough. During ritual abuse they put you through the paces, torturing you and then rescuing you, over and over again, until you are so twisted from confusion and pain that you will do whatever they ask, no matter how defiling or demeaning it is. You want it to stop.

Yet as an adult, I wasn’t consciously connecting with this abuse. I thought it was necessary to be my own protector and provider, and also the protector of anyone I loved. I relied on my own strength to do so, but I didn’t realize that strength was never mine, to begin with. It was the strength of ancestral spirits and demons and I was imprisoned by my beliefs that they could give me real power.

Therefore when I was saved by God’s magnificent grace, I was rejecting the power of  Christ in my life without even realizing it. I could understand the basic tenants of Christianity such as being a sinner that needed forgiveness, but it wasn’t able to really shape my identity. I was still living from the identity of a helpless victim that was grasping for whatever power was offered to try to save myself and others.

But now, O Jacob, listen to the LORD who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. Isaiah 43:1

To be fair, that is the type of response that should be expected from a ritual abuse survivor. Receiving salvation through Jesus Christ didn’t stop the ritual abuse, it only made it possible for me to see a way out of it. Most ritual abuse survivors are so highly dissociated away from the pain of the abuse they don’t even realize if it’s currently happening to them. They might be able to recall past memories of abuse, but not remember abuse from that same day. It’s God’s protective mechanism to help people who go through this extreme trauma so they can stay sane.

Dissociation is a beautiful gift but it can turn into a dangerous crutch if left unchecked. I have relied on it for so long that there were years when I was still being prostituted and ritually abused and I didn’t even know, even though I had been saved. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with my life, and the truth of it, but the biggest blow is always finding out that I am still believing every lie that was implanted into me about my identity.

It’s not that I blame myself, it’s that I am willing to keep turning the other cheek and let the devil decide who I am and what I can or cannot do. I let him be my god, and I believed the lie that things can never change. I know many people are living in this place, and I know how hard it is to get out, but I am here to tell you Jesus has not abandoned you here. You are not alone. If I can get free, so can you.

I am the LORD; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me, Isaiah 45:5

Part of my coming out of denial has been to see when I am relying on my own strength – aka spirits – and how important it is to understand who God is. I believed God was a cruel punisher who had given me a strict set of rules to live by and I needed to keep myself and others in line every single day. So I worked hard at following those rules and punishing myself when I failed, and punishing everyone else I loved as well. It’s been a hellish job.

What I am finally coming to understand is the god I was following was never Yahweh, but Lucifer. He had rights to my soul in the past and manipulated me into believing he was my one true god. I couldn’t understand a God of love, kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness. I could only understand hate and death and revenge. It has been a long road, but I finally can see the God of compassion and hope that the Bible tells me about, and His name is El Elyon, The Most High God.

There is no other God like Yahweh. He is the beginning of truth, love, and everything that is righteous. He is holy and the most powerful force that exists. Satan wishes he could be like God, and therefore emulates him in every way he can, but he can never come close. He has given us freedom through forgiveness and redemption from sin because He loves us more than anything else and desires to have eternity with us. That is incredible and amazing.

He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross. Colossians 2:14-15

Beating myself up has been easy, but understanding the immense value that has been placed on my life through the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me has been incredibly difficult. It’s unfathomable to think that God would die for me so I could be free. People hear my story of abuse and they can’t understand why a loving God would allow such horrors to happen to me, but I say what a magnificent God who strengthened me so I could endure hell itself and come out on the other side whole, free, and full of the power of God Almighty to understand the depths of His love.

God is good. He is trustworthy. He doesn’t change circumstances, He uses them to our advantage. Being abused didn’t take me down, it has made me more like Christ than ever. How much more I can fully know the goodness of God when His love has been magnified in the midst of my pain and struggles? How much more I can understand His power over the enemy when I have seen Him shame the devil over and over again in my life?

Yahweh is good, He is worthy of all of my praise, and I will keep honoring Him with my life because I choose to. The devil can never take that from me, no matter what he does. I am fully convinced that like Stephen I have been granted to privilege to look up into heaven and see Jesus sitting at the right hand of God the Father in the middle of persecution and that has given me the strength to keep fighting for more.

For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And it was not paid with mere gold or silver, which lose their value. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. 1 Peter 1:18-19

Your life is worth the highest price because Jesus paid the price of His life to save you from the corruption of your ancestors, and the worthless inheritance they left you. You have been adopted into sonship by God himself and you now have an inheritance in heaven that cannot be taken away. Your life is being molded by grace and shaped by God’s love. The devil has lied to you about your identity because you are now a child of God who is living for eternity, not for this world.

So take heart, and take your sword in hand, because God has more for you than the pain and denial you have been living in. He sees right to the depth of your pain and knows you intimately. No one knows you as Jesus does, and no one ever will. He is with you in this, no matter how hard it has been, no matter how much you want to give up. You are not alone. And we are in this together. We are fighting the good fight until the day that Jesus comes back, so be strong and courageous in the power of the Lord.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26