I have been through a really rough few months. I have agreed to a massive agenda of self-hatred and self-sabotage for a long time and it has finally come to a head. I have believed so many lies about myself and shaped my identity, but thank God He has been shaking the foundation of all of these lies to bring me to the truth.
First of all, I just have to say that I believe God is shaking many people to the core of their identity right now. It feels like your world is unstable and you are falling apart. You may feel lost and confused, or you set out on a path that suddenly seems to be going in the wrong direction. There is nothing that will get our attention more than feeling distressed, overwhelmed, or confused. It brings us to a place of humility, realizing we cannot possibly do this on our own. And we can’t.
For months I have cried out to God in my overwhelm, begging Him for help, yet help did not seem to come. I was at a point of asking God to give me the strength to do every little thing, such as waking up because I felt drugged, getting out of bed, and feeding myself. Just the most basic things had become nearly impossible on my own and only the grace of God could give me strength.
The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Exodus 15:2
I admit it felt like a horrible place to be. I hated it. I wanted to just be ‘normal’ like everyone else, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not like everyone else. I have unique challenges that others don’t have. I also have unique gifts that affect me because I am very sensitive to the spiritual realm and I feel things more acutely than many others. These are things the enemy has tried to convince me are a curse, but God has shown me otherwise.
I am an intercessor and a prophet and I have hated that about myself intensely. I have wanted nothing more than to shun those gifts that God has given me because I have been taught to use them for evil. As a Satanic ritual abuse survivor, I have been indoctrinated into the highest levels of the kingdom of darkness. I have been used as a medium and a whore for Satan’s kingdom and therefore my gifts have been twisted for evil.
I was taught to channel evil spirits of all kinds, the pinnacle of this achievement being the antichrist spirit himself. So many times I have been harnessed to people and spirits and I told they were Jesus, therefore I must listen and obey. I must call on them and channel their power in times of need. I was trained to channel them through times of great trauma. They tortured me as a small child until I would leave my body and make room for their spirits.
For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10
I do not tell you this to bring fear or pain to you, but only so that you understand the deep level of loathing I had for myself. I love Jesus with all my heart, but I have been a medium for the antichrist and because of this I believed I was evil. This belief permeated to the very core of my soul so that even my spirit began to take on an identity of self-hate. It was my truth, my reason for being. I believed I was born to be a medium for the antichrist and that it was my purpose and destiny and that permeated many of my other beliefs.
When these beliefs are attached to your soul through trauma and abuse, it happens at a subconscious level, which is how they intend it. They want it to be a core belief that stays hidden forever. They don’t want you to ever uncover it and therefore free yourself to be who God created you to be. Well, the devil thinks he has a good plan in place, but it is no match for the power of God in me, or in you.
There is no power in this world that can outmatch or outwit the power of God. He is the supreme authority over all creation, which means Satan and his kingdom. Not only that, but with every move, Satan uses against us, God easily turns around for our good. He’s unstoppable.
For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Colossians 1:16-17
As I have begun to deal with the hard truth of being a medium for evil beings I have struggled with it greatly. I told myself, indeed you must be evil for doing all these terrible things. I understood that it wasn’t my fault because you can’t blame a small child for agreeing to these things. However, I could not let go of the hatred I felt for being a part of something so evil. It’s so against the core of who I am that I felt absolute disgust with myself. I actually would regularly call myself a whore.
The real problem was not that I believed I was a whore, but that I believed that my God-given identity as intercessor and prophet brought punishment and death. I have been punished time and time again when have connected with the truth of that identity, and it has happened very recently still. The devil does not leave you alone when you renounce the occult but instead works overtime to bring you back. You possess all his secrets and he would rather destroy you before he lets you go free. What Satan didn’t count on in the love of God overpowering every weapon he had against me.
God used these things for my good. I could not continue to beg Him to free me while still trying to destroy myself with hatred and punishment. It has affected every area of my life, including my body. God had to expose this in me in order to set me free and this was the best way to do it.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17
I believe God is using this shaking for many others as he has for me. Sometimes God has to use bigger things to get our attention, such as health problems, plans going awry, things falling apart in your life, loss, and even depression. If you feel your world shaking, then it’s time to come before the Lord and ask for a deeper understanding of what is really being shaken and why. He wants to remove these false identities from us, so He can bring us into the mind of Christ. Don’t despair when things go wrong, but instead find stability in the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He has a good plan and a purpose in all of this for you. He has not left you hanging nor is He punishing you. He is a good God and a good Father, and He is bringing you through the refiner’s fire because that is what you have prayed for. Don’t focus on the pain, but instead focus on the One who is going to Redeem it for you. He is with you, He is for you, and He has plans for all eternity that are so much better than any plans you have here. The work of sanctification is hard, but when we come out the other end, we are more and more like Jesus.
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.
Joel 2:25
