My whole life I have been asking the question “Who am I?”. Even from the earliest years in my life, I have struggled to find an answer to this question. I think many of us spend a good portion of our lives trying to find our identities. As children we don’t worry as much about where are identity lies, because we find it in being a son or daughter. Yet as we enter in to our teen years that question of identity begins to loom over us, to take a stand about who we are.
As I look back now I see so much of my life was spent searching. I was so unsure of who I was. I tried to find identity wherever I could. As a teen I found my identity in being a “rocker” (someone who listens to rock music). I dressed for the part and my life revolved around the music I listened to. It was as simple as that as I let rock music shape who I was. As I got older I could no longer be defined by a simple genre of music. I was more complicated than that. So again I was searching, trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in this big wide world. Or if I even really fit in at all.
For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. 1 John 2:16
Then when I became involved in the occult and witch craft, I found my identity in being a witch. I fully embraced being a witch and loved it. It was exciting, dark, mystical, romantic, sensual, fun and much more. I was proud to be a witch for many years, until I suddenly found myself pregnant. I have to admit I was in denial for a bit about the fact that I was going to have a baby. I wasn’t ready. I had been playing and having fun and I wasn’t prepared to grow up and be responsible for another human life. But once I gave birth to my son, my life radically shifted, and so did my views on life. I was still very much into witch craft and the occult, but now my son came first.
So once again my identity made a huge shift as I began to see myself primarily as a mother. I was responsible for a tiny little baby and had very little help. My husband at the time worked two jobs and we had no family that was willing to help us out. My whole life revolved around him. How could my identity not solely rest in being a mother? Soon I was eager to get pregnant and have another baby. I adored my son and loved being a mother. I was willing to do anything for him. But when my relationship dissolved a few months into my next pregnancy, my whole world collapsed.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3
I had no stability in my life now. The only thing that was constant were my children and their need for me. It was the only thing that kept me going at all – taking care of them. So it further solidified my identity in motherhood. What more was there to life than just being there for my children, raising them and trying to provide a good life for them? For me, there was nothing. As I got remarried and had more children I also began to home school. So not only did my identity lie in being a mom, but now my identity became a home school mom.
I know many moms get caught up in the identity of being a mom. It often can trump all other roles we play in our lives – wife, daughter, co-worker, friend. For me being a home school mom elevated me to a new level of pride and self-righteousness. I loathe to admit this now, but God has really spoken to me about this in the past few weeks. I have began to believe many lies, such as public school is an evil place where my children will be taught everything immoral and end up doing drugs and having sex. Therefore I also believed that homeschooling is superior to any other form of schooling. That parents that home school care more about their children and that home school children are smarter. I know these are really awful things and it pains me to even type them out.
As a home school mom I was also a bit of an elitist. It was hard to hang out with other moms because they tend to have an attitude of awe towards me, which I never have deserved. I am completely flawed and broken like everyone else. I am not special because I home school, and I will continue to declare that any parent can home school, if they let God led them through it. Homeschooling is for the weak and under educated, because only then can we realize our great need for a Savior to help us through the process. As a home school mom I felt so much pressure to “get it right” because my kids education was on the line. Yet in my heart I knew homeschooling was right. And if parents didn’t feel awe towards my ability to home school, they would scoff at me, because they would never even want to do such a thing. They want a break every day from their children. I guess this just made it easier to feel set apart and different from the majority and that elitist attitude only grew.
For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:3
It is very dangerous to find your identity in any thing or any person. We were not made to find ourselves this way. We were made to find our identity in God. We were made to seek Him with all of our hearts and find ourselves through Jesus. When we start to try to find our identity in things or people we get very lost. We often find ourselves dissatisfied, unhappy and even feeling alone. I know this is true for me. It was not until recently, when my husband and I begin to discuss sending our kids to school, did the light begin to shine into the depths of my home school mom identity. Cracks starting to show in the facade that I had so skillfully hid behind for so many years. Yet the light was a wonderful thing, bringing truth and love into a place that was lying in darkness.
Jesus has spoken so sweetly and so lovingly to me these past few weeks. I am not to find my identity in being a mom, or even a home school mom. I have been walking a path that has taken me away from God, in that area of my life, even though I strived so hard to give it to Him. It was my beliefs that have been hindering me, and these beliefs took root many years ago, long before I began to home school. I am not the only one who loves my children, and who cares for them and watches over them. My Father God loves them so much more than I am even capable of. And He has promised me time and time again that He will never leave them or forsake them. That He will watch over them and uplift them with His righteous right hand, and that He has plans for them that will prosper them. Yet all this time I was so busy trying to do His job, thinking that all the weight of how my children will turn out is completely dependent on me, and the choices I make for them.
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Romans 8:15-16
Yet Jesus is so much bigger than that. He is so much bigger than what type of education my kids get, or what mistakes I may make, or how well I manage my house, or what kind of mom I am. Not that those things are not important, but that I need to realize what amazing freedom I live in as a daughter of the One True King! I do not have to do it all alone. I need to soak in His Truths. I was not made to be a mom, nor a wife, but a daughter of The Almighty! And that is where I need to rest my head, and my identity. That is where I need to seek the answers to “who am I?” and why am I here? I am here to love God, to love others, and to glorify Him with my life. I am not here to raise children and then what? My life is over when they move out? I gave every good thing to them and now I am left with nothing? No! I am to give every good thing I have to Jesus, and let Him take care of the rest.
What a wonderful freedom I have in Christ. What joy soars in my heart at the thought of being able to begin to let go of my children and the fate of their lives. It is not up to me how they will turn out, or if they will even become followers of Jesus. It is up to me to love Jesus with all my heart, soul and mind, and let that glorify Him. Through that I will be able to accomplish more than I can ever imagine, in His strength. I no longer need to be in slavery to my identity. I can just rest and be a truly loved daughter of the King of Kings. Hallelujah!
Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12