Fear has been one of the biggest motivators in my life. I have feared people, love, trust, God, and even leaving the house. Fear has been my master, and I have willingly bent to it repeatedly. Sometimes, when something has dominated you for a long time, you begin to believe it’s good for you, and you open your heart and let it in. That is what has happened with fear. It has been a dominator used by many occult programmers and masters who have tied me into submission.  Even though I fought against that domination for a long time, eventually…

There are many times when I feel overwhelmed by life’s circumstances. My problems often seem like a matter of life and death; if I don’t figure out a solution, something terrible will happen. I feel responsible for whatever outcome happens, and so to avoid the weight of guilt over any negative consequences, I am desperate to fix any problems. The result is panic which comes out as anger and only causes more grief. What I have only now started to realize is that these big life-or-death reactions to basic problems such as my son getting a cold, my cat not…

Emotions can be tricky. Sometimes they can be overwhelming, guiding you down unseen paths and you feel helpless to choose anything else. For me, emotions have been something that I have contended with all my life because they have been larger than life, like a force that controls me. Whether it be anger, love, hopelessness, or anxiety, my emotions have been like a god to me. It all started when I was very young. During abusive training sessions by my programmers, I was put into situations that would purposefully heighten my emotions. These simulations would cause me extreme fear or…

I have felt very powerless for a very long time. There were so many times I was put into a place where I was desperate for help, yet none came. I began to believe that the horror that was happening to me was all my fault, and therefore I must be very bad. And if I am bad, then God must hate me, because it certainly appeared that He abandoned me. I have carried these beliefs with me for a lifetime, and they have permeated every aspect of my life. Anytime pain or suffering has come upon me, I blamed…

During all the years of my childhood occult training, one of my biggest takeaways has been that I am not safe. Safety comes with obedience, yet even compliance is not enough to keep me safe. So I learned to perform, manipulate, and call on all evil spirits and humans for rescue and power, but it was never enough. During ritual abuse they put you through the paces, torturing you and then rescuing you, over and over again, until you are so twisted from confusion and pain that you will do whatever they ask, no matter how defiling or demeaning it…