• Letting Go Of Self-Hate

    November 19, 2024

    Emotions can be tricky. Sometimes they can be overwhelming, guiding you down unseen paths and you feel helpless to choose anything else. For me, emotions have been something that I have contended with all my life because they have been larger than life, like a force that controls me. Whether it be anger, love, hopelessness, or anxiety, my emotions have been like a god to me. It all started when I was very young. During abusive training sessions by my programmers, I was put into situations that would purposefully heighten my emotions. These simulations would cause me extreme fear or…

  • Growing Into Christ

    November 13, 2024

    One of the hardest parts about being a ritual abuse survivor is being an adult. Maybe that sounds strange because I am an adult, but as a ritual abuse survivor you are trained to live out of dissociative alters that are stuck in a regressed age. Often that age is very young, such as a toddler or young child. Anyone who has DID or other forms of complex dissociative disorder understands the struggle of having the feelings of a child in the body of an adult. However, for many of us survivors, the hardest part is recognizing that we are…

  • Mercy Triumps Over Judgement

    October 22, 2024

    For most of my life, it has been easy to suppress my emotions, especially towards people I feel deserve judgment or punishment. Disconnecting from humanity is quite common among people who have experienced deep levels of trauma. It is a coping mechanism when the emotions of the traumatic events are more than the human mind can process through. It becomes so overwhelming that it’s easier not to feel, or feel very little. Some people choose to use substances such as drugs or alcohol to help numb the pain, some use distractions such as being busy at work or with endless…

  • God Will Make A Way

    June 21, 2023

    I have felt very powerless for a very long time. There were so many times I was put into a place where I was desperate for help, yet none came. I began to believe that the horror that was happening to me was all my fault, and therefore I must be very bad. And if I am bad, then God must hate me, because it certainly appeared that He abandoned me. I have carried these beliefs with me for a lifetime, and they have permeated every aspect of my life. Anytime pain or suffering has come upon me, I blamed…

  • Trusting God

    June 15, 2023

    During all the years of my childhood occult training, one of my biggest takeaways has been that I am not safe. Safety comes with obedience, yet even compliance is not enough to keep me safe. So I learned to perform, manipulate, and call on all evil spirits and humans for rescue and power, but it was never enough. During ritual abuse they put you through the paces, torturing you and then rescuing you, over and over again, until you are so twisted from confusion and pain that you will do whatever they ask, no matter how defiling or demeaning it…

  • redemptive power

    Surrendering To God’s Redemptive Power

    October 12, 2021

    Over the years Jesus has done miraculous healing after miraculous healing in my life. I have seen redemption in so many ways, and recently I have been so thankful for how undeniable redemption has become. For years I believed I would never again be able to step into a church because the occult loyal alters in me would always reach out to the occult power in the church. Most churches seem to have a hidden coven within them, and attending church seemed to just fuel the darkness within me. Church after church I attended felt like torment as I was…

  • trauma triggers

    Coping With Trauma Triggers

    September 29, 2021

    This past week has been very trying for me as I learn to navigate through extreme trauma triggers. The other day was my birthday, which I expected to be difficult. All ritual abuse survivors have been abused repeatedly on their birthdays, and so even if you have come to a place of freedom from physical rituals, you still have to battle through the spiritual aspect of it. Not only does the spiritual attack from astral rituals and human spirit harassment come into play, but also dealing with the emotional trauma of abuse that was perpetrated repeatedly. Even if you don’t…

  • Defeating The Spirit Of Death

    October 14, 2020

    Pain has been the theme and even motto of my life – a theme that I have embraced fully and without question as it was so deeply ingrained in the root of my psyche. I began writing poetry reflecting pain and the spirit of death when I was thirteen – a time when my life was in the most turmoil I had ever known. My mother had just sacrificed me to Baal and my father ritually produced a child within me. I was pregnant with a Nephilim hybrid and I thought I was dying. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall…

  • pain idenity

    Living In A Pain Identity

    March 2, 2020

    During the past few years, I have had to come to some hard conclusions about how I have been living my life. You see, even though I write about what I have had to endure, I have still worked very hard to live as though it never happened. Every week in my therapy sessions I have to come face to face with my past abuse and the direct effect it has on my life today, yet once I walk away from that session I forget it all and pretend it’s not true. Pain has been a big part of my…