Pain is a terrible thing, but when you have been steeped in the mire of it for your whole life, it becomes a life force of its own. Pain has owned me, had power over me, and commanded me. It has nurtured me and taught me the foundations on which to build my life: suffering, torture, mistrust, hate, revenge, control.
From the time I was very young I was under the grips of pain; it was truly all I ever knew. While all babies only want tender loving care and affection, all I received was hatred and admonishment. How can a little baby not be good enough to be loved? How can a young girl be despised for being a sinner? Yet that was what I was told, day in and day out.
I had to have the sin punished out of me because sin is evil. Yet somehow, no matter how much “correction” I received, I could never be good enough to be loved. However much my parents family and church punished me, it was made clear that not only was it for my own good but because God demanded it. Bible verses were always quoted with punishment to drive the point home that all this was by God’s own will.
See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
Matthew 18:10
There were times when I believed I could please this far away from God of judgment and doom, but for the most part, I gave up the idea there was hope for me to be a good girl. I was inherently evil, born that way, with no hope for salvation. Why bother to even try?
So when they presented me with the option to chose to worship Lucifer instead, who came to me as an angel of light, the choice was obvious. The far away from God who brought me pain or the god who came from the sky and told me he loved me no matter what. I didn’t understand the concept of good vs evil, I only understood I was evil and this god was good.
I began to believe the God of Lies. I believed he was the one true God who loved me, while the punishing God from church hated me. I renounced Jesus easily with those beliefs and never looked back. I worshipped Lucifer and his kingdom because I was told it was the only way out of pain and condemnation. To a young child, logic is what you see displayed in front of you; you don’t have linear thinking.
But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 19:14
As I grew older these events and beliefs began to shape the way I saw myself and the world. If I am evil, and God is evil, then the world must be evil. There is no hope to get help or be saved because even those that promise to help you only bring you pain. Therefore, pain is your only friend, so if you can control pain by manipulating the world around you, it’s your only hope of safety.
As I grew into my late teen years I finally had enough of pain, and I was done with life. I continually tried to take my own life with no success. I was desperate to find a place where I could be free of the constant pain of internal torment I felt, but there was no way out. That is when I decided that the only way out was to completely deny God existed. If God no longer existed, I was free to create my own reality, in which I was in complete control.
God became “the universe” a source of power and strength that each of us can draw on. Everyone could be equal under that kind of power and life could be fair. I could be my own boss and no one would ever own me again. I went on a search for power and control through witchcraft and the occult so I could ascend into higher levels of being. I was desperate to control my life, but no matter how hard I tried my life was constantly in a state of chaos. I was out of control.
For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17And he is before all things, and in him, all things hold together.
Colossians 1:16-17
There was only one thing I knew for sure in my life; I was never, ever going to have anything to do with that “Christian God” or Jesus. Jesus was a liar and a thief and the God of the Christians was evil. He caused all of the pain for my life. He manipulated me to control me and bring me misery. He was hateful, vengeful, and punishing. I vowed to never again allow Him into my life, and I developed a vehement hatred of Christianity.
My hatred for Christianity was so strong that when my 10-year-old son came home with a Bible because he made a Christian friend from our neighborhood, I mocked it and told him to never believe the Bible because it’s full of lies. That is how strongly I was entangled in the devil’s web.
What I didn’t understand all that time was all my pain and torment was never from God. Jesus did not stand by and watch me suffer, nor did God command the church to punish an innocent little girl. The only god that hates me is Lucifer because he has exalted himself as the God of This World. He is not the True God, because he is not eternal. He is a created being who is going to pay a severe price for what he has done to me, and every else like me.
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.”
Matthew 4:8
I know it is hard for some people to accept that God is a loving God. They have had their share of pain and suffering and it seems like a God of love wouldn’t allow these things to happen. Especially when it happens to people who clearly don’t deserve it. I could stay in that way of thinking so easily because I have seen more than my fair share of pain. However, I believe that what Lucifer meant for evil, God used for good.
God has used all my pain and suffering over the course of a lifetime to mold and shape me into a strong and courageous warrior for His army. Instead of being kept in slavery to Lucifer, I have been redeemed by the blood of Christ. My story was already written before I was born, but I chose to look at the good of it instead of the bad.
I have a good God who is a loving Father. He did not stop me from being violently perpetrated, but He stood with me in the midst of it and helped me live through to see another day. While the devil would have taken my life or my sanity, Jesus stood in the gap, protecting me in ways I could never understand. My life is valuable to God, but even if He had allowed me to die, that would have never diminished my value to Him.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me.
Psalm 138:7
We cannot always understand the ways of God and why the devil has run rampant in our lives but we have to learn to trust in Jesus anyway. If we could understand God and why things happen the way they do, then we would be missing out on valuable opportunities for spiritual growth. We would not boast in our weakness as we learn to rely fully on God, but instead, we would shun him, taking up His place on the throne of our heart. What kind of life would that be?
I have come a long way from that little wounded girl who hated God, but before I could heal I had to first acknowledge that the poor little girl who was so hurt was still inside of me. I had to be gentle with her, giving her a lot of grace as I tried to understand that I still had a lot of anger at God for what happened to me. We all have wounds that we have carried around inside of us for a lifetime, and it is time to stop ignoring them and start giving them over to Jesus.
Jesus wants to carry us through a season of despair while we allow Him to shine a light on our hidden inner worlds where we have cultivated hatred of God. Not everyone has one, but many, many people do, and God is not mad at them for it. I know, because when I finally came face to face with the truth that as a Christian I still had hatred for God, I also came face to face with enough grace and mercy to cover all of my sins.
God is not mad at you. He loves you. He is a good Father. He is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and patience. He has been walking with you through all of this in unseen ways because His Spirit has been nurturing your spirit. Come home to the Father’s love and let Him wash you in the healing balm of His grace. It’s time.
But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.
Acts 20:22-24
