I have spent most of my life allowing my feelings to dictate my words and actions, which has caused much damage to my relationships. I am an emotional and sensitive person, and because I am a prophet and seer, I am more sensitive to the emotions of others and the spiritual realm. In normal circumstances, this would be a beautiful gift that would give me empathy and allow me to pray the heart of Jesus over people.
However, the occult masters and programmers who were in charge of me used all of this against me to twist my emotions and bend me toward hatred and even violence. The emotions that I should have grown to have control over became my master, and my enslavement to them has been like hell.
I remember the experience of being in the presence of Jesus as a very young child and how safe I felt. I could see Him, feel Him, and I knew Him. I would use those experiences many times as a point of reference to come back to during the torment and abuse to stay sane and stay connected to myself. No matter how hard I tried to stay connected to Jesus, the enemy used my programmers to try to rip Him away from me, bit by bit.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:28
It wasn’t an easy process to turn me away from and eventually against God because of the experiences I had that kept me grounded in Him. Yet the programmers are smart, and they use demonic means to gain information about people to have deeper insights into how to control them better. Through observation and this information, they learned that I had formed a relationship with Jesus and could see and speak to Him.
They also learned that I was highly sensitive and that using my emotions against me was their first step. There were many instances where I was taken to the brink of my emotional tolerance and then pushed past it until I felt like I was losing my mind. This started very young, and it continued for years as they tried to hard-wire my brain to live in a state of constant overload.
Being overwhelmed started to become my new normal, and I began to despise my emotions and the gifts that brought me closer to God. When you are being tortured at this level, you are willing to do anything to make it stop. You are willing to submit, let go, or take on whatever you are asked as a desperate attempt at relief.
No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.
Isaiah 54:17
Relief is not something that comes easily, though. It is only after pushing you into violating your free will over and over again that you are rewarded with a break from the intolerable pain. Only then are you allowed the smallest bit of respite before they start the process all over again.
Even though I believed at the core of who I am that Jesus had left me and that I had rejected Him, He was always there. Jesus’ presence doesn’t have to be seen or understood or even felt for Him to be in the midst of whatever we are going through. He is ever-present in the lives of His children, and He never abandons them no matter what they say or do when their free will is being coerced and manipulated.
Through the programming, I was taught to use my emotions and gifts to do witchcraft – to manipulate others and channel spirits. My anger and hate open portals, and my rage and manipulation can cause mental and physical harm to others. This is never what I wanted, but through my behavior, I have believed this is who I am. There is no more to me than a vicious woman who harms people.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
As a Christian, I was wholly convicted of my anger and my manipulation, especially against my husband, but as a new believer, I found it nearly impossible to control myself when my anger would burst forth like a tidal wave. It was very easy for my anger to get stirred up and become larger than life. As much as I wanted to control my tongue, it seemed to have a life of its own.
I could tear someone down with my words in seconds, targeting the weak points I could see with my spiritual gifts, and I wouldn’t even feel bad about it afterward. I felt justified. If you hurt me, you will pay. It wasn’t my conscious thought, but it was how I lived. Once I began inner healing and started dealing with some of the roots of my pain and anger, I was able to surrender more of my free will back to God. I began to desire to live in a way that honored Him and not let my feelings control me, but even then, it seemed almost impossible.
I have been working on inner healing for eight-plus years now, and I still struggle with this problem. What I have learned is that because of the harm done to me and the people and spirits I was connected to to keep my emotions at a constant level of overload, it has been nearly impossible for me to have the control I want.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
I have had human programmers connected to me that have been able to astral travel into me at any time and cause my emotions to spin out of control over the smallest thing. They could compel me into speaking and acting in ways that were unnatural to who God made me to be, and I believed it was me choosing to harm. Yet I have been the one who was being harmed and pushed to harm others.
I am not saying there is no place for repentance for my sin – I am accountable to God and others for my hurtful words and actions, but I had to come to a place where I could realize this is not who I am. I am not evil, spiteful, angry, or manipulative. It is not my fault I was controlled into being a human missile and manipulated into being desensitized by the overwhelm of spirits and programming.
God does not see me for my sin, nor does He blame me. He has been sweet, patient, and kind to me through the process of understanding myself and what has happened to me. He has been kind in His convictions, understanding that my heart is to follow and obey, even if my will is still unable to. Thankfully, we have such a kind and gracious Father who loves us no matter what and is willing to walk with us through the depths of hell.
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Psalm 86:15
Jesus knows that we are seeking Him with everything we can, and every small step we take to come under His authority is a miracle and a blessing. He honors us every time we do even the smallest thing in obedience. He knows our hearts, and He is not giving up on us, even when we believe we have given up on Him.
We have mercy and grace on this healing journey, and to judge ourselves for it is to do the enemy’s work for him. He wants us to run off of self-hatred, not the grace of God. Every time we think negative things about ourselves, we are fueling his weapon. Our jobs are to believe in what God says about us and trust Him in the process.
I have believed I was not alright for a very long time, but the moment I started to believe I am ok, that I am loved, that I am good and not evil, the enemy lost a huge foothold over me. The voices in our heads are not what matters most – it is the living, breathing Word of God.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31
