When you are a ritual abuse survivor it is easy to believe that God has forsaken you. When you are in the deepest places of pain and torment, especially as a child, and connected with heinous evil, it feels as though you are completely alone. You will do anything to stop the pain, even to the point of renouncing God.
All survivors at some point are forced to renounce Jesus and worship Lucifer in his many forms instead. It is a cataclysmic event that devastates the young mind all while being told you are irredeemable now. These are the things that happened to me as a child, and at some point, I think I fully embraced an identity as evil.
There is a term for it when you bond with your abuser called Stockholm Syndrom, where you understand that they have all the power over you to meet your basic needs, and without them, you will die. That is what happens to ritual abuse victims. They are bonded to the people who torture them and to survive they will do whatever they say, even if that means the most vile and disgusting things.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
When I was a child the safest thing for me was to hate God and reject Jesus. I vividly remember Jesus speaking to me in my room and angels singing over my crib. Those memories strengthened me for a long time and gave me the courage to fight back, but the more I stood up for myself and proclaimed the truth of Jesus, the more I was severely punished.
The programmers who lead this type of abuse want the children to believe in and love Jesus because establishing a relationship with Him makes it all the more traumatic when they systematically tear down the truth of who He is. Piece by piece they will strip away your God-given identity as they bring in people dressed as Jesus to abuse you or tell you that God has left you and that is why you are being harmed.
The thing about God Most High is He is a promise keeper, and He puts a high value on His word. So when He says “I will never leave you or forsake you“, He means it. However, the enemy has used dissociation against ritual victims to keep splitting them until they are so fragmented that there is a great divide between what is truth and what is programming.
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.
John 10:11
While I had a strong foundation that Jesus was good and loving, they took the core part of me that believed it and hid it deep inside the system of programming they were creating. They fractured that part so it was split into many parts and that way the information about Jesus was spread out and confusing. They then made the primary conscious part of me the occult loyal alters who they had turn away from Jesus and felt hatred for Him so that my conscious thoughts were “I hate God.” I had a deep hate for all things Christianity and I saw God as a faraway entity who was like a master manipulator.
No matter what the enemy has done to try to tear me away from Jesus, he could not succeed; it is an impossible mission. Every time the enemy had me in his vice grip of torture, Jesus was there. Jesus has always been the intercessor in my pain. When they were harming me, He stood in between us so that He was taking the brunt of all of the pain and torment.
Jesus went to the cross not only to take on our sin but also all of the sin heaped onto us. He knows suffering, and He knows our suffering intimately because He was there with us taking on what we could not. He helped us to dissociate because He knew that God was the one holding us together. No fracturing can keep God from making us whole, because He is the source of our wholeness.
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 5:21
The Jesus that I was taught to hate is the false Jesus Baal. He lives to destroy humans and tear apart their love for Jesus. The true Lord Jesus Christ is a humble servant, but also a mighty warrior. He will not hold back the punishment on judgment day for Satan and his minions, nor for the people who have given themselves over to him.
It took me 36 years to finally have the free will to accept Jesus with my conscious mind. Being in close proximity to my parents, who were also some of my top programmers kept me in so much bondage I could not say yes to Jesus. But within two months of moving a few miles away from my family, I was giving my life to Jesus. That’s because my heart knew Him and had been longingly waiting to be reunited with Christ.
Even after I was saved I still struggled with so much confusion and anger towards God. I still believed He was a far away and uncaring God who had left me to suffer. I didn’t yet understand the depths of the programming and torture that had been put in to hate Him. I am still working on clearing up the mistruths about God almost ten years later.
but emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in human likeness. / And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:7-8
Although this programming to hate God runs deep, the mercy and grace of God run deeper. He has been so compassionate and understanding with me every step of the way. I have hated myself for my sin against God, and He has nothing but forgiveness for me. He has been the light in the darkness, giving me the next breath to fill my lungs.
So many people have this same hatred for God and they don’t understand that it is not their hate they are feeling – it is the hatred Satan has for God. He has used so many innocent people as a container for his hatred against God, and they have unwittingly let him. God is making a move to bring back His beloved bride and Satan cannot stop Him. His day of reckoning is near.
I have waited a long time to have a relationship with The Father, and even after everything I have been through I can say it is worth it all. Jesus is worthy of all my worship and I trust Him with all my heart. I pray that no matter where you are today, you will know Jesus is right there with you, holding you up so you can reach the throne room of His grace and mercy.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in loving devotion
Psalm 103:8
