When I was five years old I willingly gave my life over, body, mind, and soul, to Lucifer. Now you might wonder how a five-year-old child could understand what it means to give themselves wholly over to the devil, but believe me when I tell you it took more torture than I can ever describe here on this blog for my free will to choose him. It was truly a matter of life or death, and when you have spent your meager life choosing between more pain or less pain, you begin to choose the lesser of two evils.
It seems that is how my life has gone, making decisions based on which choice is going to serve me best as to not receive the full amount of pain and torture. Whether in my daily waking life or in my secret occult life of Satanic ritual abuse, this has always been the only options I have ever had to choose from. This is the basis in which the foundation of lies I have built my house on, and today it has come crumbling down like a house of cards.
Why do you boast about your crimes, great warrior?
Don’t you realize God’s justice continues forever?
All day long you plot destruction.
Your tongue cuts like a sharp razor;
you’re an expert at telling lies.
You love evil more than good
and lies more than truth.
Psalm 52:1-3
I could never have known I was living in a house of lies until Jesus Christ showed me the truth. I believed I was rotten to the core, evil, no good, worthless, and I felt the hopelessness of those words spoken over me to a depth that I can never explain. Hopelessness has been my constant companion and like a long lost lover, I have pined after death, waiting for him to enfold me once and for all in his arms.
What I did not understand was that death was never my only option, it was merely the only option ever presented to me. “If you want to be free from Lucifer and leave his kingdom, you must die. It is the only way.” They withheld the truth of salvation in Jesus Christ and told me that I am reviled by the Most High. What kind of God would hate a poor, helpless little girl who only wanted nothing more than for the torture to cease? What a terrible God indeed…
You love to destroy others with your words,
you liar!
But God will strike you down once and for all.
He will pull you from your home
and uproot you from the land of the living.
Psalm 52:4-5
As a matter of fact, they so convinced me God is a liar who hates me I was willing as a child to renounce Jesus Christ forever. Yet I was forced to live with this truth for the remainder of my days. I had seen the face of Jesus Christ, yet renounced Him to save my own life, and the life of those I loved. The knowledge has haunted me all my days. What a wretched soul I truly must be to do something so despicable.
I have walked in guilt and shame my whole life from this one event, knowing that I am worthless and forever alone, never to be reconciled back to God. Even when He brought me back to salvation in Him I still could not believe the truth: that I am His and His alone. How can you believe you are saved when you can hear the devil in your ear as you sit in the front pew of a church? “I will never leave you. You can never escape me.”
I cannot convey to you the fear I have lived with all my life. Being saved was only the first step in this long journey into freedom. I thought being saved was enough until I realized I am a comprised of a complex system of thousands of parts that have been fractured away from my conscious mind to protect me from the horror of trauma and abuse, and each one of these needs to be saved as well. Oh, what a daunting hell that knowledge became.
Yet I was relentless. I had touched the hem of His robe and felt His power inside of me, and more than that I had experienced first hand His unyielding compassion and love, and there was nothing that could stop me from chasing after more. Nothing. It has been four years and I have still not given up, but the truth is, I have tried. I have tried so hard to succumb to the pain and ask death to whisk me away from this life.
The righteous will see it and be amazed.
They will laugh and say,
“Look what happens to mighty warriors
who do not trust in God.
They trust their wealth instead
and grow more and more bold in their wickedness.”
Psalm 52:6-7
Pain has been drowning me since day one, and I truly believed God would never save me from it. I truly believed the only relief from this so-called hell was death. I truly believed over and over that Jesus does not love me. But today I am once again renewed. Today I walk away in faith because as of last Friday I am finally free. I am free of Lucifer and that ties that bind me to him eternally. I have been given a free pass to salvation and I have received God’s grace and mercy anew.
Does this mean I will no longer have bad days? No. Does this mean I will no longer struggle with pain or have parts of me that need saving? Absolutely not. I have a long road ahead of me, but I tell you this, I have crossed over into a new horizon and the work I have done to make it to the promised land has paid off this day.
But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God.
I will always trust in God’s unfailing love.
I will praise you forever, O God,
for what you have done.
I will trust in your good name
in the presence of your faithful people.
Psalm 52:8-9
