Fear has been one of the biggest motivators in my life. I have feared people, love, trust, God, and even leaving the house. Fear has been my master, and I have willingly bent to it repeatedly. Sometimes, when something has dominated you for a long time, you begin to believe it’s good for you, and you open your heart and let it in.
That is what has happened with fear. It has been a dominator used by many occult programmers and masters who have tied me into submission. Even though I fought against that domination for a long time, eventually it overcame me and I gave in. There are points in life when you have no choice but to give in, and we must wait in that place because a rescue is coming.
It’s so hard to feel beaten down until there is almost nothing left of you, but no matter how battered you are, there is always a core of you that God has protected from the fires of hell. That core is your spirit and your neshama that God has preserved so you can have everlasting life, and this is why Jesus chose to go to the cross.
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Isaiah 53:5
I didn’t always believe Jesus was protecting me during the worst abuse and terror a person should never endure. I believed He had abandoned me and I hated God intensely for it. A good and loving God wouldn’t allow unspeakable acts of evil to happen to anyone, let alone a helpless child. Yet there I was being relentlessly tortured for years on end.
In the middle of torment, it would feel like an eternity, like time itself had stopped. I would cry out to God and beg Him for a way of escape, but from my point of view, it never came. That’s where I was wrong; Jesus always showed up. He never let me endure anything on my own. Jesus always stood in my place, just like on the cross, and took everything the enemy did to me because that’s who He is.
Jesus is not helpless or weak, uncaring or unavailable. He is ever-present in every moment of every person intervening in ways we can’t even imagine. He is the the champion of the weak and a rescuer for the helpless and the devil is a liar who wants us to believe anything less. God’s goodness is rich in mercy and compassion for His children.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble
Psalm 46:1
As I have worked through the healing process I have had to confront the idolatry of my fear. I have allowed it to keep me prisoner and blind me from the truth of who God is. He is almighty, powerful, and can use anything to bring us freedom and healing. That means He can take our abuse, shame, pain, or anything else we find to be unbearable and turn it around for our good.
God isn’t limited to using only good circumstances, and the worse a situation is the more of His power is displayed. While we may see things as black and white, good or bad, God sees things on a completely different scale. He is not afraid of anything or anyone. He’s not worried about the schemes of the enemy or us making a bad decision – He can use it all for good.
Yet I have believed that God couldn’t affect even the smallest parts of my life, and because I had been trained in the highest level of the dark arts, I believed I could be my god. I used every trick I knew and called on every spirit I could to try to save myself and my family, and all it led to was disaster. I was calling on the same power to rescue me from the fear that caused the fear in the first place.
When you have been abused it feels like nothing will ever be safe again, and you will do anything to find that safety again. You will take on the power of the enemy and promise him everything you have if you believe it will bring peace, but it never does. The devil uses abuse and pain to trick us into believing he is stronger than God, and we can be too.
But no power or force will ever be stronger than God, and the only way to truly know that is through the power of surrender to Him. Surrendering to God is not the same as giving in to an impossible situation. It is giving over ourselves to trust that He is the almighty and powerful Savior that He says He is. It is accepting that the same power that raised Christ from the grave can live within us.
God is never angry with us for making choices that we were forced to make, nor is He angry at the things we have done that have been a result of those things. He has compassion for us, and He is waiting for us to see that the choices we made in the past do not need to dictate the choices we make today. We can choose to serve Him today, and every day moving forward and understand the true depth and nature of His grace and His glory.
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Psalm 86:15
