When I first started my journey to coming out of satanic ritual abuse, I felt desperate to find a reason why God would allow such a horrendous thing. At the time I had this blog and a YouTube channel under the same name, and I became convinced that God intended for me to use what I had gone through to help people. I had in mind that I could be like Joseph, and use what the enemy meant for harm to save people.
I threw myself into growing my YouTube channel and using Facebook for networking. Soon I was being offered opportunities to do interviews on podcasts and TV, speak in churches in other states and even another country, and a book deal.
I was certain this was God using me and it was going to make up for what happened or somehow make it better. Meanwhile, at home, I was barely able to keep up with the basics of life. I had severe brain fog and it made any functioning difficult. I could barely care for myself, let alone my family and home. Yet I was determined to do something great. If I could help people it would give me purpose.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I had big dreams about traveling the world, speaking, writing books, and more. I thought about how we could be financially stable and my husband could quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad. I didn’t even think about if he would want that, I just needed someone to do my job so I could be a famous speaker and author.
I wanted to be inspiring and see people encounter God, and I also wanted to have the fame and fortune to go along. That is why when I started hearing to reject these opportunities coming my way I was floored. I was devastated. Why would God take these opportunities away from me? Was He punishing me? Did I do something wrong?
It can be so confusing being a ritual abuse survivor because with it comes complex dissociation disorder, multiple layers of mind control programming, and connections to people who are set up to quietly dominate you without your knowledge and understanding.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
This can lead to many false beliefs about who God is and what your purpose is, as well as misdirection when listening for His voice or determining His plans for you. For me, the masters and handlers I was connected to were leading me astray by keeping me distracted by searching for meaning through purpose.
It wasn’t God’s purpose for me to have a huge platform to reach people, or to be loved and respected for the authority I gained by my experience and knowledge. The root of the problem wasn’t my desire for fame and fortune or even to find purpose through works; the root of the problem was how I viewed myself and how that related to God.
The basis of all the platforms of mind control programming used in ritual abuse survivors is hatred of self and hatred of God. Through these two things, a child can be broken and dominated for the rest of their lives. Self hatred is a very powerful weapon of the enemy and it can be disguised and used in many ways.
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6
When a person hates, it automatically translates into hatred for God, because we are God’s creation, made in His image. When we see ourselves through a filter of God’s love for us, and Jesus work on the cross, then we see ourselves as valued, loved, special, important, and cared for. We understand intimately that God is providing for us on all levels of our lives and is never going to stop.
Yet when we view life through a lens of self-hate, we see ourselves as worthless, rejected, unloved, and unlovable. We often reject ourselves so deeply we will do anything to change into something that might be more acceptable. People often try to change their physical appearance, and behavior, or even create a sort of identity for themselves that proves they have worth. Some use their jobs, religion, money, etc to put on a front of being someone who has value.
I wore lots of identities in my search for acceptance: mom, homeschool mom, wife, blogger, YouTuber, and on and on. None of them brought satisfaction because I still saw myself through a lens of self-hate. Ultimately, even though I loved God, I believed He had rejected me and that I was being punished for being me. Nothing I could do was ok, and I hated myself to the core of my being.
“I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”
Isaiah 43:25
No amount of kind words, praise, affection, or love could penetrate through my self-hatred. I refused to believe anything good about myself because it would only bring more pain and heartache. Thank God that He is so good and kind and loving and never leaves us alone, but instead brings us out of the pit and rescues us from the dominion of darkness.
It has taken me years to understand that God used every bit of what has happened to me to bring me closer to Him and deeper into healing. While I thought He was punishing me by taking the things I wanted away, He was protecting me. When I felt I was being stripped of my identity, He was healing me of self-hate.
Over and over again as I would continue to strive for ways to find identity in my works, He would gently take me aside and show me that He is my identity. He is my savior and He alone can satisfy me. I can’t say I don’t struggle with self-hate anymore, but I can recognize it when it comes now and understand it for what it is: a weapon of the enemy to dominate me. It’s not that God can’t have a plan for me to ever write a book, or speak at churches, etc; it’s that it won’t bear the good fruit I’m looking for unless it comes from a heart that has been healed and is surrendered to Christ. Without that, it is me striving to find purpose and identity in works, and not Kingdom focused.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33
