I have always viewed suffering as a terrible thing, and have done everything in my power to escape it for as long as I can remember. Lately, I have to ask myself, why is suffering such a bad thing, something I have been so desperate to escape?
According to Romans 5:3-5, suffering is actually a good thing, because it produces endurance, character, and hope. Hope is a confident expectation, not in what we can see, but what is unseen; that is in the coming of the Lord, the salvation we have in Him, and the eternal life we will receive as an inheritance from God the Father.
That is the gift that Jesus Christ suffered to give us. Jesus did not want to suffer, yet He patiently endured the suffering as he took on all the sin of the world onto his mortal body. Jesus has known suffering more intimately than even we have, as hard as it is for us to believe because He experienced everyone’s sin. That includes the sin perpetrated against us, as well as the sin we have committed against Him.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
John 16:3
That is more sin than any one body could ever take on, yet Jesus did. Not because He is God, but because He is love. His willingness to suffer for our sin was the sign of how deep and wide and vast God’s love is for us. It is an unreachable and untouchable love that never fails, and that is why suffering is not a mark of pain, but a mark of love.
When we suffer here on earth, we are sharing in the hope that our suffering is not in vain, but preparing us for something so much greater than we could ever imagine: a future hope of glory. What exactly does this glory look like and why should care enough to endure to receive it? According to James 1:12, that glory is our reward when we go home to heaven, the crown of life, given to you by Jesus Christ Himself.
I cannot tell you how many days of suffering knowing I would receive some sort of prize or reward in heaven meant nothing to me. In fact, I reviled it, because I was not capable of seeing past the intensity of my pain and suffering. There was absolutely nothing that could make me believe that I could endure suffering, or that it would produce any good fruit in me whatsoever, nor did I care. I only cared to find out how to stop it, even to the point of death.
He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the Lord has spoken.
Isaiah 25:8
When your soul is so completely separated from self through demonic rituals that are intended to connect you with darkness, you have very little connection to your spirit man, which is the part of you that connects you to Christ. I was so mentally and emotionally separated from Christ and my spirit man that I could not connect with Jesus in the midst of suffering and rituals.
That is not to say Jesus was not there, or that my spirit could not connect with Jesus, but my mind believed Jesus had abandoned me to suffering, and so the fruit it produced was unrighteousness and ungodliness that has lasted a lifetime. Suffering is not meant to be good or bad, it is a natural part of the human condition of sin. God uses it to grow and mature us, giving us the opportunity to come into a deeper relationship with Him, yet Lucifer uses it as a means to sever us from everything God intends for us.
Of course, Satan can’t actually separate us from God, but he uses torment and abuse to redesign the way we perceive ourselves and the world around us. It changes the chemistry of our brain and causes mental, physical, and spiritual health issues that last a lifetime. For me, it wasn’t just the abuse that causes my depression, hopelessness, and negative thinking, but the power of death that resided in my body.
Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.
Jeremiah 17:14
The purpose of Satanism is to turn you away from Jesus to a false christ, the antichrist. They use their schemes on children because they are easily persuaded to believe that there is a “good” Jesus and a “bad” Jesus, the good Jesus actually being Lucifer and the bad Jesus being the true Lord Jesus Christ. When a child is put in high trauma situations they do whatever they can to survive, and if that means believing Lucifer is Jesus, then that child will do it.
We were made to survive, to live, and to thrive, and the human brain will do what it takes to do so, and that is why God gave us dissociation. Dissociation makes a place deep in the subconscious mind to hide trauma too great for the mind to handle as a protective mechanism, but Satan uses it to hide perversion and evil of every kind. He makes the trauma so great we will never seek to find it, and so it was for me. I could not face the trauma that led me to connect with the spirit of death as my personal Jesus, and so when suffering came, I believed I was calling on the name of Jesus, but I was actually calling on the false Jesus I had been trained as a child to worship.
That spirit was Abaddon, the angel of death and I have worshipped him in secret, hidden even from my own self. The violence perpetrated against me was intended to make me a medium and a mouthpiece of Abaddon and to twist my God-given gift as a prophet of hope to a prophet of death. My gift was turned around to be used as evil so that I could not be the encourager and exhorted I was created to be, but instead a person who fed on hate and pain.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10
Consciously I didn’t see that this was true, because I wanted desperately to be good, to do good. I have never in my heart ever wanted to hurt anyone, or speak words of death or hatred over people. Yet when I came to Christ seven years ago I had to come to grips with that very thing. No matter how hard I tried I could not stop spewing venom at those that I loved. I prayed and begged Jesus to help me stop being so angry because I thought I just had an anger issue.
It has taken me years to recognize it’s not so much that I have an anger problem, but that I have an Abbadon problem. When you are yoked to death via a fallen angel and become one flesh with it, then you become like death itself. But I am not death and I never have been. I may have been yoked to this destroyer who used me for his evil, but I am not evil. Jesus has chosen me before the beginning of the world for His good works and I know He is not going to let me go.
I have allowed Abaddon as well as Lucifer to be gods over me, to rule me and dominate me because I was too afraid to fight them. I thought I was too small and helpless to defend myself, and so I always gave in. Once I began regaining ground back from the occult I was able to see that I am not a weak and helpless dolt who can’t even open my mouth to pray. I am strong in the power of the Lord who fights for me, and I can and will partner with Him to continue to fight until I am free.
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.
Joel 2:25
Lucifer will have you believe the same lies he told me. You are not in bondage, you are a Christian, and therefore free of bondage. Or that the devil has no power over you, so stop looking his way. And the worst one of all, you can never be free, because I will never let you go, no matter what you do. You do not have to listen to him anymore. You can be free from his grasp and when you walk away you can free your entire family, and everyone else you are connected to.
Don’t give the devil the power over you by believing his lies. Jesus Christ is the only way to freedom, but you have to fight for it too. Don’t let go of Him, and never give up. This battle may feel long, but all of this is as a vapor and will one day fade away forever. Until then. believe in the Lord Jesus and you and your household will be saved.
Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:9-10
