When I was a child growing up, everyone that I trusted to take care of me was a programmer who was only in my life to train me into the highest levels of the Illuminati. I knew I wasn’t safe, and at that time, my world was very small. I had very little interaction outside of my home as my family kept me very isolated.
Yet, as I grew older into my teenage years, I had more opportunities to meet new people and began having boyfriends. My teen years were a terrible time for me. As my brain developed enough to have deeper thoughts and understanding of my world, I began to have a deep-seated hatred for my parents and wanted to find a connection to replace what our relationship was lacking.
Friends and boyfriends became very important to me as I sought out a way to feel loved and wanted. Yet, what I experienced was more betrayal and heartache as the people in my life treated me just as poorly as my family of programmers. That’s because they, too, were programmers and handlers who were working to keep me in line with everything I had been trained to do.
The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
2 Timothy 4:18
One of the main purposes of my programming has been to be a type of medium or channel. This has taken many forms, from being trafficked to high-level government officials and religious leaders to being a conduit for fallen ones to channeling dead spirits and even the spirit of the Antichrist. In this process, it takes a great deal of brain power that leaves very little else for daily functioning.
To keep this programming in place, I had to have many people around me to keep me broken and reliant upon my relationship with them. That relationship helped them to make sure I was in a constant state of Delta brain waves, which are the same brain waves you use while you sleep. So much of my life has been like being awake while I am sleeping – a strange level of functioning out of a subconscious state.
That is why I had to have parts of me set up to do my daily living. Parts that could take over while all of this programming ran in the background. Channeling spirits and being a conduit is almost a full-time job. You don’t get much time off. You have time to physically connect with people, and the rest of the time, it’s like an app running in the background. You don’t see it working, but it is still draining your battery.
But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.
2 Thessalonians 3:3
When a survivor is very little, they learn how that person operates and what motivates them to do their distinct role. For me specifically, the way I was able to channel spirits was to convert the energy I needed to live into hatred. Hatred was a fuel source that opened up portals in me, and the more rage and hatred I felt, the stronger the connection became. Betrayal was the strongest source to connect me to hate, and so I was continually connected in a loving relationship with a caregiver or trusted friend, and then repeatedly betrayed.
The betrayal started with caregivers, but as soon as they were able, they made me believe Jesus was betraying me. They would bring in men dressed like Jesus and have them watch me be abused, or abuse me themselves, and that would lead me to believe God was either helpless or cruel. The impact of that was so powerful that I am still working on tearing down the foundation of that trauma.
The quickest way to anger for me has always been through relationships and the feeling of betrayal. My programmers have set it up so that even the slightest offense felt like a betrayal to me. My emotions have been so heightened that if I felt someone was trying to hurt me, my response was to explode with rage, sometimes to the point of violence.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
This is why it was important to keep me surrounded by programmers who functioned as friends and boyfriends. They would work to gain my trust, and then they would work to cause the greatest amount of upheaval possible. Sometimes, that would look like a devasting breakup or a friend befriending an ex-boyfriend who deeply hurt me. These are things that cause long-term feelings of anger and betrayal that I could continue to draw upon as the pain would linger for months or years.
My life has been one heartbreak and betrayal after another. It’s very painful to look back on relationships I believed were real – even if tumultuous – and realize they were another setup. However, there is always one person who has always been there for me through it all, who has loved me unconditionally and never once betrayed me, and that is Jesus.
Jesus has been more than a friend, He has been a father and counselor. Even though it has taken time to work through my feelings of betrayal by Him, I have still found great comfort and hope in my relationship with Him. His goodness and mercy have followed me and sustained me. I truly don’t know where I would be today without Jesus as my rock and cornerstone.
But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.
Psalm 94:22
Jesus has given me the strength and courage to live more fully and come out of a programmed mindset where anger and hatred are my first response. It has been so hard to retrain my brain out of pain and into hope and grace for other people. It is foreign to have grace for people when you have been hardwired to feel ready to be offended and defend yourself 24/7. It has made my relationships very difficult.
Thankfully, I have the most wonderful husband who has truly loved me with an unconditional love that has given me the space to work through healing and has been forgiving and full of mercy. Only Jesus can do that, and it’s yet another testament of His love for me.
God is our everything and will always provide all the love, support, and help we will ever need, and the enemy cannot stop Him, no matter what it looks like. You may not have supportive people in your life right now, but God is with you always, and He is your Champion.
You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands.
Psalm 16:5
