Self hatred has been as much a part of my life as breathing. From the time I was very young, the seeds of doubt and despair were planted into my being. I remember feeling hopeless, lost, confused, and most of all, unloved for the majority of my life. What I didn’t realize was that these were the very seeds of self-hatred that were planted and being watered daily.
All it takes is a little hopelessness to create self-hatred and self loathing. Starting at a young age, we can become vulnerable to those seeds as they grow into self-hatred. Our desire for love and care is so great, that when we don’t feel those needs being met, we begin to believe that it must be our fault. We believe we must be unlovable or undeserving of the approval and care we desire.
I can remember the feelings of hopeless and despair being the filter for many of my childhood memories. Loneliness wrapped around me like a thick cloak, and went with me everywhere. Even in public places I felt alone; invisible. I remember as early as the age of 10 wanting to die. The feeling of hopelessness washed over me to the point where I knew death was the only life-preserver left.
The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
As a child, I heard a story of a little boy who felt so unloved that he fell down and died from loneliness, as he waited for the morning school bus. I knew that story could be mine, and I coveted death with an intensity. For a time I turned all of my hatred towards my parents, plotting out ways I could kill them. I had no idea why I had such an intense hatred towards them, I just knew they were to blame for my pain.
At thirteen I began to take matters into my own hands by cutting myself with razors stolen from my father. I would carefully extract them so that I could make thin lines across my wrists. I knew I was not actually going to die from these cuts, but somehow the physical pain also became a release for my emotional pain. In my fantasy world, these acts were the doorway to death, but in reality, they were the doorway to demons.
Self hate wasn’t always the motivation for self harm, but it really seemed that if my life was so unbearably painful, then who else did I have to blame? For some they would say this was a form of chemical imbalance or mental illness, but for me, it was a way out of the misery I was drowning in daily. The fact is, I was being tormented daily by occult rituals and abuse. I had no conscious memories of the abuse, yet it predominated my entire existence.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.”
Isaiah 43:2
As I look back on my life, I can clearly see why I spent so many years depressed and suicidal. That type of abuse causes so much damage to the human soul, as well as the psyche. Yet I lived through it and persevered through incredible obstacles. I am thankful that I am alive and a functioning adult who can homeschool my children. I saw what this same damage did to other family members, and they did not fare nearly as well.
The effects of self-hatred are wide and varying. For some it can look like anxiety, depression, shame and insecurity. Yet for others self-hatred can take the form of pride or anger. No matter the effects of self-hatred, they come from a root of deep rejection and embitterment. Many people experience self-hatred to some degree or another at one point in their lives. For some it is momentary and fleeting, yet for others it becomes a way of life.
How can you recognize self-hatred? Self-hatred can look like many things in our lives. The most obvious are actual feelings of hate directed towards oneself, but it can also come in the form of thoughts of worthlessness, the need to apologize for everything, feeling like a failure, self punishment, or comparing yourself to others. All of these things come from the root of self-hatred and are signs of it.
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
Psalm 27:10
Self-hatred can also be used as a weapon against self and others. When we use self-hatred to punish ourselves, it becomes relentless. We admonish and chastise ourselves regularly, allowing our words to become like self-flagellation to the soul. It is absolutely detrimental, yet it is a learned behavior, that comes from years of deep-seated beliefs of worthlessness. We often take our self-hatred out on others around us, either using it as a form of protection through pride and anger, or using it to punish and berate others.
Self-hatred does not need to be a part of our norm. We were not created to be ashamed of ourselves and full of anger and resentment towards ourselves and this world. We were created for and by love. That love is the most powerful and awesome power in existence, and that power is right inside of you. The love of God is unstoppable, but the enemy has taken hold of our minds and allowed the seeds of self-hatred to grow until we are overrun by weeds.
Only Jesus has the power to heal us and transform our minds. Step by step we must surrender our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others to Jesus, so He can be the one to transform us into who we were created to be; loved, nurtured, and whole in Christ. God has plans for our lives; plans for hope and prosperity. Unfortunately the free will of man can be detrimental to the tender psyche of a child. That does not change the plans or the heart of the Father in and over our lives.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I have lived my entire life in a web of lies dictated by the enemy, but through the power of Christ I am being healed. It has been a process and a journey for me. God has not healed me all at once, and that is OK. It took decades for the damage to be done, so I don’t expect it all to disappear overnight. On the contrary, the journey of healing my self-hatred has brought me a greater understanding of God’s love and character. It has helped me to learn to forgive others and myself, giving me a revelation of His grace.
Healing is not easy. We must take one step at a time, understanding that we are God’s masterpiece. The greatest works of art have to be finely tuned so that they are a perfect picture of what the artist originally intended. And so it is with our lives. We must constantly work to surrender our hearts over to our Creator, believing He will be faithful to complete the good work He started in us so long ago.
So for today, let us focus on God’s love and mercy. He is seated on the Mercy Seat and He is beckoning us to come sit with Him on it, allowing an outpouring of His grace and love to flow freely through us. He is a good Father. He is slow to anger and abounding in love. God is waiting to heal the broken pieces of our hearts that were broken by the ones who we loved and trusted most. He has the power to replace every tear with His love, and bring us back to the identity of who He originally created us to be. Loved.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4
