It has been about a year since I began my journey into inner healing. It has been quite a wild ride for me so far. When I first ventured into inner healing, I had no idea what I was even getting myself into. All I knew is that I was tired of being angry and sick and knew that God had made too many promises for me to live a life on victory to keep walking in pain. Yet I had no idea that when I begged God to help me to be better and to be closer to Him, that it would involve me walking into the deepest and darkest places of my soul. I had to come to grips with things about myself and about my life that many people will never begin to even fathom.
As I journeyed into myself, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I was horrified at what I found. Not only was I a child of the occult, who had participated in countless satanic rituals, but I was still connected with darkness in so many ways. On the outside I had fully pledged to give my life to Jesus Christ. I knew God and loved Him. I had seen His face and felt His presence. How could I possibly have any connection with darkness at all? I had renounced everything I had ever done wrong about a zillion times!
Yet there it was, staring me boldly in the face: I was still doing witchcraft and I had no idea. How can this be??? Well to understand why a person who is fully committed to Jesus Christ can do witchcraft and not know it, you will have to understand more about witchcraft itself. Witchcraft (which I have broken down step by step in this video) is not only about doing spells and rituals around an alter. When you get right down to what witchcraft is, it is simply using the power of the demonic inside of you paired with your intent to cause change around you.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4;16
This means all you have to do is think angry thoughts about someone, and if you have any connections with darkness, you have just done witchcraft, because those demons use that intent within you to carry it out against that person. It is really that simple and easy to do. Literally anyone can do witchcraft. The devil has tried very hard to create an image of what witchcraft is that is not the entire truth. Yes, there are people out there who identify as witches and use witchcraft as a lifestyle and religion, but that does not mean that only these witches do witchcraft.
It took me a long time to understand what witchcraft truly was. I had to go through many healing sessions in order to understand why I was still doing it, and how it all started and why I was still connected to darkness. I had to forgive myself for doing it and love myself through it. Through a lot of pain and abuse I was forced to choose witchcraft and I had a lot of hidden places inside of me that I was not consciously aware of still choosing witchcraft over God. Because I was not consciously aware of this, I was not able to disconnect those places from the darkness.
It was not until I was willing to go into theses deep and hidden places within myself that I was able to allow Jesus to show them to me. I could never have gone there on my own. These places are so filled with pain and trauma that it was not possible to even look at them without the help of God Himself. He had to walk with me and protect me in these places, so that He could bring healing to them which would allow me to disconnect from darkness.
Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.
Jeremiah 33:6
I know for some it sounds very scary and terrifying to even think that this could be reality. Not just the pain and trauma, but walking with darkness and not even knowing it. What Christian (or even non Christian really) wants to think they might be doing witchcraft and not even know it?? None! I know I certainly didn’t! But the truth is, that because I have been willing to know this truth, I have been able to find incredible freedom!!
Going into these dark places has brought me to the lowest of lows; the pit. The pit is a terrible place to be. You feel alone, lost, confused, bewildered, depressed, angry, rejected, hated, and more. When you are in the pit, you cannot see out. You can see daylight, but it’s too far away to matter to you. I am not going to lie; this past year has been like hell for me. There have been times I wanted to die. There have been times I hated God and was ready to walk away from Him. There were times when I scared my husband because he really thought I was going to harm myself and he wasn’t home.
Healing isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty. But sometimes you have to get to the lowest of lows in order to start climbing back to the heights again. I lost my deep sense of connection with God. I lost myself. But how can you not loose everything when your whole world is shaken? The very core of who I thought I was, was torn asunder. I was left with nothing. Nothing but the Rock on which I stand. It is that Rock which has carried me through, even when I didn’t care to hear His name, because the pain was more than I could possibly bear.
He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure.
Psalm 40:2
Every healing journey will be different. Every person’s life and past is different. But there is one thing that is always the same: our human emotions. And they will always threaten to take over and bring us to places we don’t think we can ever handle. But we will, if we have already built a foundation on Jesus Christ. No matter what we go through or walk into, Jesus Christ will redeem us from it. Always.
During the past year as I fell deep into the pit, so did everything around me. My relationships, my house, my body. I gained a lot of weight, my house was always a mess, I could barely cook a decent meal and for a time we basically lived on fast food and frozen meals. I hated myself for it too. It was my job to clean and cook and take care of the house and I couldn’t even do that. Some days all I could do was just keep breathing and stay alive. It really was that difficult.
Yet here I sit today, on a Monday of all days, writing about the immense hope and joy God has given me through this process. I am nowhere near done, but I am so very thankful for where I am. Mondays have been the worst day of every week for several months. I have had the most spiritual attack on Mondays because of my blog, and it has come from several sources that are very powerful. Monday has been a day where I barely make it through the day because I am so overwhelmed by the attack against me. The curse is over my friends, and now I sit rejoicing!
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us
Romans 5:3-5
Last Monday was the third Monday in a row that I felt good. I mean really good. I decided to start on the housework that had been neglected for a very long time. As I was scrubbing my shower that was so moldy it was black around the bottom, I was praising God and rejoicing. I felt amazing that I was cleaning this disgusting mold up, because three weeks prior, I wouldn’t even have been able to even consider cleaning the shower. I would have looked at it and felt shame and self hatred.
Yet there I was, working my butt off and loving it! It felt so good! In the past two weeks I have started working on getting healthier and getting organized. I am starting to loose some weight and exercise and clean and I am feeling so thankful for it. I am not saying I feel great every day, or that I am even back to where I was before I started all of this, because I am not. But the days of the pit are over, and I pray that I will not go back.
Recently I was reading the book ‘School of Prophets’ by Kris Valloton, a really amazing book, and I came to a really important revelation. I want to walk in the call God has for me, and I want to help people. I want to be able to maybe speak to groups of people and pray for them and write a book someday and do so much more with my ministry. I have been very upset that my ministry seems to small and unimportant in the scope of the big picture of things. I have actually been angry and sad about it. In this book there is a “Core Values Assessment Test” and as I read through the questions, it as like a smack in the face. I have so far left to go on my healing journey.
I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. If I want to walk in the call God has given me, if I want to reach the full potential that He has created in me, and if I want to do the amazing things He has shown me are possible, then I need to keep doing the work. And even though I have been in the pit, and have been so broken and lost, God has still used me. What an incredible miracle! God has such grace upon His children. Because I have been willing to walk out my healing and surrender to His love, He has been growing my ministry and using me in incredible ways. I am so very thankful for that.
So for today, I am going to focus on today. I am not going to focus on wondering what my future holds, or what my next healing session holds, but instead I will focus on getting better today, loving my family today, and living with Jesus today. I know that healing can seem terrifying and maybe like too much work. But today, I invite you to let go of all of your fears and anxieties and give them to God, your Father. He cares so much for you. He knows the struggles you have and why, and all He wants is to bring you to the person He created you to be.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18
This world has molded and shaped you into it’s own liking, and has caused you to fall so far from the glory of God in your life. It’s not just about our sin, but about our willingness to go inside ourselves and see where we need healing and reshaping by the very hands of God. Jesus knows you already, and knows all the dark places inside of you. He does not hate you or look down on you for them. Even if it turns out you are connected with darkness and doing witchcraft. He doesn’t care about that: He cares about your heart and He cares about you. He loves you and He wants the best for you: being who He created you to be.
There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ. There is only love, grace and mercy. That is my testimony. The love of God will set you free, if only you are willing to choose it, and love Him more than yourself. If you refuse to look into those dark places (with His help) and walk into healing with Him, then you are choosing yourself over God. Wanting to stay in denial is not going to help you, but only cause you, and those you love more harm. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Let Him bring you freedom, and life! No it will not be easy. No it will not always feel good. Yes it takes a lot of work and time, but each and every one of us needs to go there.
If you are in the pit today, take heart that there is hope for you! The pit is only a temporary place, no matter what it feels like right now. Jesus Christ is our hope and glory and if you keep giving your life and yourself over to Him, you will be redeemed. He has promised this. If you know there is more for you in this life, yet no matter what you have done it is still just out of arm’s reach; then know that this is a sign for you. It is your turn beloved. It is your time to walk into healing with Jesus Christ.
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.
Psalm 62:5
