I would never say I am a particularly strong or brave person, as some might think. It might seem that because I openly tell my story on a worldwide platform that I am both of those things, but I would say I am neither. All my strength comes from the Lord, as corny as that may sound to some, but it’s true. I haven’t endured the hardships of my life because I am strong, but because Jesus carried me through. He gave me a fighting chance to live through the harshest of circumstances so I would live to see another day. The truth is, I would have given up long ago if it weren’t for him.
Yesterday I had one of the scariest moments of my entire adult life. It was a day like most other days where I was just taking care of my home and family, and looking forward to a date night with my husband. But by the afternoon I was having horrible pain to the point where my husband was going to take me to the emergency room. I was crying out for help because the pain was too intense to bear. Nothing else existed but this pain and my fear.
What could have been a trip to the ER turned out to be a miraculous chance to bring more healing to my internal system of dissociative parts. I had a part of my soul, that through intense trauma was fractured and broken away from my conscious mind and convinced that she lived in hell where demons tormented her daily. While my conscious mind could not connect with this as a reality, this dissociated part of myself only knew this world of hell and no other. How could I have such completely different realities in one body? It seems impossible, but it is true.
Recently I have been disconnecting from huge strongholds of abuse and domination from my father. As I have done so, the mind control programming put in place to keep me in check started to unravel, leaving a multitude of dissociative parts free to leave the occult. It also kicked off a fail-safe mechanism within me to run a program for my body to self destruct. The result of this was the intense pain that most likely should have resulted in a ruptured spleen and even death.
How do you make amends with the fact that you have grown up in the Illuminati when your conscious mind tells you it’s not so? How do you come to terms with the truth of horrendous levels of abuse to your body when you have shut the memories away in the farthest recesses of your mind? “I want to be normal”, has been my new thought of late. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to deal with the effects of abuse on my life, or the fact that I can’t talk to my family anymore, or why I can’t.
I don’t want to deal with programming being triggered or parts of me that want to destroy me, or feeling like a helpless little girl who is so alone and lost in this evil world. I want to be normal. I don’t want to be damaged or abused, I want to be just like everyone else. Yet Jesus says, “all people are severely damaged, you just happen to be someone who knows it”.
But what if I don’t want to know it?
What if I want to live in a world where I am free from that truth and free from how it affects my life? I see Youtubers who make videos every week and are so successful and other Christians whose ministries have grown, while I have had to turn down everything in my pursuit of Jesus and wholeness. Sometimes I get so angry that I can’t just be like everyone else. But I’m not. I am a survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have dissociated so far away from the abuse that it has created a multitude of parts inside of me just so I could stay alive and continue to function. I struggle with depression, and physical pain and anxiety.
So you see, I’m not strong or brave at all. Jesus is.
It is only Jesus that has carried me through. He was there when the rituals happened and He saved my soul from hell. He created dissociation so I could function and continue to live. He protected my mind and body in innumerable ways throughout the years. He carried me through until as an adult I could come to a place where I could choose Him with my own free will. When I first began to seek God and to know the truth, I asked God to give me a sign. And what He said to me was “You already know me.”
My God is bigger and stronger than the lies of the devil and every scheme he has perpetrated against me. My Jesus is so good, that there is no evil that can even touch Him, let alone go near Him. That is where my strength and bravery lies: in the One True Living God, The Creator of The Heavens and The Earth. There is no other god like my God. There is no other being I would willingly bow down and worship and give all of my soul and love too. It is only Jesus.
It is so hard to live in this world and with the burdens of abuse and the weight of the shame and violation you feel because of it, it seems downright impossible. But Jesus. Jesus is my Rock and my hiding place. He is safe and His love radiates over me with the warmth of ten thousand suns. Jesus is my home, and my refuge and every word that comes out of my mouth are only because of Him. Every step I take, every breath I breathe, is only because of Jesus.
No one really needs to be brave in this world. They just need Jesus, because to trust in Him is to save your life.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise—
in God, I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4
