It has been a long journey for me to learn how to respect my husband. I hate to admit that I have been a wife that has been harsh, critical, demeaning, demanding, judgemental, and even cruel with my words. I never set out to be that kind of wife, and I love my husband dearly. He is a good husband, who has cherished me and taken great care of me and our children. I have wanted desperately to change and be a better wife to him, but even as a Christian I could not tame my tongue.
It all started when I was a young girl. As a child, I was taught that I am worthless and I have no power. I felt helpless, out of control, and abandoned by my own family. All I ever wanted was the unconditional love a child should receive from their parents, but it was always replaced with hateful words that broke my soul into thousands of pieces, partnered with extreme abuse on every level.
I have absolutely always done the best I could to be a “good person”. I have never intentionally set out to be mean or cruel or do evil. However, when the best choices you are presented with for your life are to do evil or accept evil, then you don’t have a lot to work with when it comes to making wise choices. So while my heart has always desired to do good and please God, the pain and brokenness of my shattered soul have led me to lean on my own fleshly way of thinking.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
I know my parents too were doing the very best they could for me with what they had. They too were brought up in abusive homes, being whored out to Satan to carry on the family legacy of idolatry. They thought they were truly doing the best for me, protecting me when they constantly whored me out to Lucifer, and I do forgive them for that. How can I blame them for doing whatever they believed they had to do to live?
However, in my parent’s desperation to seek more power and more control, they decided to betroth me to the son of a wealthy banking family from another state. They believed that merging our two families would bring them the prosperity, safety, and control they desired. Unfortunately, the devil always comes as an angel of light, promising us the world when we worship him, but then taking us captive as his slaves.
I was bound to this young boy who was only a few years older than me as young as the age of 2 through Satanic rituals. Neither of us had a choice to stop these rituals or this connection and the unholy bond they were creating, but thankfully God always makes a way in the midst of great evil. Our families continued to join us together through Satanic rituals over the years, but separately they were preparing us for the roles we would take in our marriage.
And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.
Hosea 2:19-20
The theme of my abuse has always been to strip me of all power over my own person and to deny me of even the most basic human rights until I agreed to align myself with the powers of witchcraft and the occult. When you are starved and abused for days or weeks at a time, you become quite eager to give up just about anything to make it stop. Even if that means giving up parts of your humanity to Lucifer, and connecting to cosmic beings for total domination.
Domination by my family and by these cosmic beings only drove me further into wanting to become the dominator myself. If I could just have the power and control somewhere, anywhere, I could be safe. Yet even in adulthood, the abuse continued and I seemed to gravitate towards abusive relationships. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I finally found a tender soul who wanted to love me unconditionally and take care of me.
When I saw the sweet and giving nature of my husband, it terrified me. I wanted nothing to do with it because I couldn’t trust it. That type of love always came with a price for me, and that price was too great for me to continue to pay. So instead of opening up and growing in his love, I turned it against him to try to control him and abuse him. It wasn’t a conscious choice, it was just what I had been trained to do for a lifetime.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
If you understand anything about the occult, you know that at the root of the word it means “hidden”. Everything done for the occult is done in secret, even to the point where those involved in the occult are hidden from the knowledge that they are involved. That is where Satan’s secret world of Satanic ritual abuse and dissociative alters comes in. All of this ritualistic abuse that happened to me as a child has been hidden from me until about four years ago.
This means that I not only did I know I was a survivor of this abuse, but I also didn’t realize my husband was as well. It wasn’t until a few years ago that the Holy Spirit revealed to me that my husband and I had been bound together through Satanic rituals and that my parents betrothed me to him. My husband was also completely unaware that our marriage was actually a set up by our families.
The worst part of the whole situation is not that I felt betrayed and manipulated, but that I was trained specifically to become domineering and controlling over my husband. Our families wanted to turn me into some kind of God-hating monster who trampled all over the only person in this world to ever treat me with the love and respect I desperately needed. It makes me so angry to know that for all these years of our marriage I have been run by the lies the pain and abuse taught me.
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
Ephesians 6:12
“I need to be in control. If I don’t have control I will die. If I don’t take charge of every situation chaos ensues.” I have done everything in power to control my husband, whom I love dearly because I have been driven by fear and pain. Yet the devil has not won, because I have the most kind, loving husband a woman could ever ask for.
I have had to work so hard to understand all the pain and betrayal and lies that have been the foundation of my entire life. I have had to work week after week for 4 years to come to terms with the fact that I am not a monster, I am not controlling, manipulative, cruel, mean, condescending and hateful. I am loving, sweet, kind, and giving, with a heart to nurture and protect. That is who God made me be, but I have been living out of the lies the devil spoon fed me from birth.
Please understand I am in no way excusing any of my behavior over my lifetime that has been directed from a place of pain. I have spent these past four years seeing the truth and repenting and renouncing my former beliefs so I could replace them with God’s truth. I have repented to my husband and prayed for God to change me, but it is only now that I am finally in a place where I can truly turn my heart back to God to be who He created me to be.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.
1 Peter 4:12-13
I have had to live out of a pain identity for all of these years so He could expose the truth of how desperately sick I was. Otherwise, I would have continued to think that because I was saved it was good enough. Being saved is not good enough if you desire the heart change that leads you to live by the Spirit of God, with your life hidden in Christ. I thought that was how I was living my life before, but that’s because I hadn’t exposed my true heart condition. Desperately wicked.
I did not want to see that I was sick inside. I wanted to believe I was good enough. Truthfully, to God, I was good enough. He loved me right where I was and never asked me to change until I asked Him to change me first. I wanted more of Christ in me. I was dissatisfied with my Christian life, believing that there was more to it than what I could see around me. I wanted all of God’s promises to apply to my life, but I was constantly floundering.
I am not ashamed to admit these truths to you, because I have lived every moment of this with so much grace from God to break free from this bondage. I could not have done it without Christ guiding me, protecting me, and loving me right where I was every step of the way. Jesus made it possible to love again, and to accept myself for who I am, faults and all.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
So here I stand now, on the brink of some great change. I am once again surrendering my whole heart over to Jesus Christ because I am done being a footstool for the devil. I am done believing his lies and being his slave. I am committing myself to a new level of humility so I can die to myself and stop living by my fleshly desires.
It has been so easy to ignore God’s commandments over my life as I have lived in such deep levels of pain. But now I have come out the other side and I am ready to accept myself for who I am. A sinner who needs Jesus Christ more desperately than air.
I pray my story can encourage and inspire you to look deeper into your soul and ask the hard questions Jesus is posing you. We each have our own journeys we must go on, and each one is unique but still important. God is with you, and He loves you so very much. He is not angry at you for the choices you made or the sin you are committing against Him right now. He only cares about restoring you back to Himself, because He left the 99 just for you.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
John 4:18
