For most of my life, it has been easy to suppress my emotions, especially towards people I feel deserve judgment or punishment. Disconnecting from humanity is quite common among people who have experienced deep levels of trauma. It is a coping mechanism when the emotions of the traumatic events are more than the human mind can process through. It becomes so overwhelming that it’s easier not to feel, or feel very little.
Some people choose to use substances such as drugs or alcohol to help numb the pain, some use distractions such as being busy at work or with endless tasks, and some use entertainment such as movies or games. My quest to find the perfect balance between function and denial has led me to use all these and more. For a long time, those things have worked to help me have space to process my trauma, but they have also served to keep me from having meaningful relationships with God and others.
Trying to deny the painful truths of the abuse I have experienced has served to make me numb to my sin. It’s been easy to lash out at others, God, or myself and not feel remorse for it. If someone is a threat, I have no problem becoming the protector or avenger, doling out swift judgment: In essence, becoming my own God. I have rationalized my hurtful or sinful behavior towards others in an attempt to keep my past hidden because recognizing my anger and need to punish would cause me to face my worst nightmare.
Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Matthew 9:13
By rejecting myself and others, I won’t have to see the reason for my deep-seated self-hatred. Even though God has softened my heart towards His loving and gentle voice of correction, I still have deep strongholds in areas of sin toward others. I have cried out to God to help me stop disrespecting my husband or to give me a heart to love others, but I couldn’t grasp why these sins still had roots.
However, it’s not only my need for denial that has kept me from discovering my deeply rooted trauma; when trauma is put in on purpose it is also held together by spirits and connected to AI technology. I have been convinced that I am to blame for not being able to escape denial, and I relentlessly punish myself in the belief that all the bad things that have happened are my fault. Yet none of it has been my fault.
It was never my fault I was ritually abused and programmed to hide the truth from myself. I’m not responsible for the evil that was perpetrated against me by the adults in my life who were supposed to protect me. I am not accountable for the actions I was compelled to take that resulted in harm to others. I have taken the blame for all these things, and worse yet, I blamed God for failing to protect me.
No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”
Isaiah 54:17
In my darkest hours, when I was certain I was alone and given over to evil, Jesus was there. He was my third person in the fire, my barrier against the storm, my hiding place from hell. No matter what I felt or believed, Jesus took the brunt of the pain and abuse to save my soul and protect my spirit. He was the lifeline when I was being ripped from my own body and the strong tower when I was being torn apart.
Nothing can completely take away what the enemy has done, but it can be fully redeemed and used for the regenerative purposes and work of Christ in my life. God is merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He has taken my sin and used it as He shaped me into His masterpiece. He has held me together and helped me to understand the true meaning of forgiveness; letting go of fear and shame of what has been done and surrendering it to allow God to redeem it for my good.
Healing at this level is a process. It takes time to uncover the depth of the trauma that’s been stored in the body and the brain for decades. It takes humility and surrender to be willing to see what you’ve been a part of and how it has affected you, but it also takes grace. When we allow God’s grace to be our guide through the healing process, we can start to see a different perspective on the story of our lives.
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.
1 Peter 2:24
When we forgive ourselves and others for what’s been done, we can put the blame where it deserves, which starts squarely at the feet of the enemy camp. Satan is the orchestrator of evil, and while he may use humans to carry out his plans, he also uses other spirits and technology. While humans do have some culpability for the evil they have perpetrated, not all of them are actually to blame. Like me, they have been tortured and abused to carry out the Satanic agenda against others, and never knew there was a path to freedom from it.
It’s not our job to decide who is evil and who deserves to be punished. Only God knows the human heart and what lies within it. It’s true that some people are genuinely evil and will never turn towards God, but I believe many more are just captives waiting to be set free. God’s desire for us is to pray and continue to be the light of Christ. That means extending the grace and mercy He offered to us, to everyone around us. That is true healing.
Forgiveness never means agreement or acceptance of the sins perpetrated against us. It means stepping off the throne of our hearts as our god and allowing the One True Living God to take our place. It means we know we are not the ones to judge and have no right to revenge, and so we leave it in the capable hands of a loving and righteous God. You are not in this fight alone. God is with you, and so am I. Many others like you and I are fighting the good fight to seek healing through Jesus. So don’t take any of your hard-won battles for granted, but instead rejoice in every small victory.
The Lord be with your spirit. Grace be with you.
2 Timothy 4:22
