Emotions can be tricky. Sometimes they can be overwhelming, guiding you down unseen paths and you feel helpless to choose anything else. For me, emotions have been something that I have contended with all my life because they have been larger than life, like a force that controls me. Whether it be anger, love, hopelessness, or anxiety, my emotions have been like a god to me.
It all started when I was very young. During abusive training sessions by my programmers, I was put into situations that would purposefully heighten my emotions. These simulations would cause me extreme fear or anger to teach me to direct my emotions like a laser. I would be given a target and then trained to hone in on it and attack it with all the power of my emotions.
During these programming sessions, I would be put into traumatic situations where I would be overcome by the adult abusers and the spirits they were unleashing on me. I was taught to astral travel to protect myself to make room for spirits and entities to come into my body so their power could come through me. I then would have another part or alter come forward to harness that power so I would become a weapon.
Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.
1 John 4:4
If you have ever seen the movie Firestarter, it was very similar to that, except I didn’t start a physical fire, although I was taught to use a type of telekinesis. I was a small child and the adults who should have been protecting me were training me with hate and fear to become a monster I would hate. In fact, I hated myself and what I was forced to do so much, I continued to split into more parts to protect myself from myself.
Hate is a powerful weapon of the enemy. We can use it on others or ourselves; either way, it is a portal into our souls to allow his power and armies of darkness to use us like a missiles. For me, it’s like having a wellspring of hatred inside of me that I can’t control. It bubbles up and comes out no matter how hard I try to heal or surrender to Jesus. There is so much anger and pain inside of me still, and the enemy has been able to trigger it so easily.
I don’t want to hate anyone and have never wanted to hurt anyone, but I have been forced to. It has been instilled inside me like second nature. I have worked so hard to be aware of when I might be doing witchcraft, and I am very open to the conviction of the Holy Spirit in my anger and pain. Yet it’s not enough. You can’t just accept that you have been mercilessly abused and taught to be a weapon of hate – you also have to accept who Jesus Christ has made you to be.
But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.
Isaiah 53:5
Accepting that you are not defined by your actions and feelings is difficult. Often I think it’s much easier to go to a traumatic memory than to accept that I am loved and forgiven by Jesus. Feelings can be so pervasive, but they are often not true. That is why feelings are meant to be a gauge or a tool, not a truth. Jesus is the only truth, and when we look at Him we can begin to understand the truth of who we are.
God made us pure before time began. He took a piece of His Spirit and pure love and blew the breath of life onto us. That is who we are. We are not the sum of what has happened to us – good or bad. We are not behavior or feelings. One day our physical bodies will die but we will continue to live because we are not physical beings- we are spirits. It’s a beautiful gift God has given us to live here on the earth in these bodies. We have the opportunity to choose Jesus with our free will and experience humanity, just as Jesus did.
Even though I feel taken over or shut down by my emotions, I keep fighting to move past the intensity of the lies that I believed about myself to reach out to Jesus and believe I am loved and accepted by Him. It’s not my fault that I was used as a weapon of the enemy. I may not have had control then, but I can choose to take control now, and that looks like surrender.
But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:17
Surrender to the Most High God gives us the freedom to follow Jesus into the pain and then back out again into truth. Jesus’ compassion and mercy are like a balm to our broken souls. He showers us with the love we may never have experienced and brings us out of darkness into the light of His grace. It’s not about us and what we do, it’s only about Jesus.
When emotions come like a flood and threaten to engulf us, we can surrender them all. You don’t have to understand your emotions, or even control them when you give them over to Jesus. Allow Jesus to be the filter and to teach you through His Word what healthy responses to emotions are. Trust Him that no matter what happens, He is going to help you deal with overwhelm and come to a place of peace.
I pray each one of us can take the next step for where we are today, no matter how small it is. Let go, forgive, surrender. It’s a process that takes time, but Jesus is with us and He’s never letting go.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
