It has been a long journey for me to learn to rely on God. When I first became a Christian I wanted nothing more than to have complete surrender to God in every area of my life. I prayed over every decision I made because I didn’t want to take a step in the wrong direction. I wanted to make sure that everything I did was God’s will for my life. What I didn’t realize I was doing was still a part of retaining control.
I know that sounds very odd to think that praying and seeking the Lord in everything could have anything to do with trying to have control, but for me, that is exactly what was happening. I was living from a place of fear, not of trust. I was consumed with fear of punishment if I made a wrong decision. I wanted God to be an oracle or taskmaster so that I could always stay in line.
I couldn’t understand that part of relying on God is letting go of the fear of punishment and living in a new level of trust that no matter what happens He has me. My whole life I had been trained to respond to punishment, not trust. As a matter of fact, I never had a safe place of trust. I didn’t know what it felt like to make a mistake without being tormented because I was told I needed to always be perfect.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
I think at some level we all experience this training to be perfect or never fail. The world reinforces this belief by teaching us to look perfect and be successful by having lots of money and admirers. Yet if we didn’t already have this belief system ingrained within us we would never fall for it. You can’t reinforce a belief system that isn’t already in place.
For me, I have had many levels of punishment instilled into me since I was a very young child. I have the Satanic abuse and mind control programming, and then on top of it the conscious real-world training that happened in my home. My parents taught me to obey immediately or else there would be harsh consequences. One of my first memories is of being two years old and being spanked so hard I was hyperventilating.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18
I didn’t know what I did wrong, I only knew pain, rejection, and confusion. I think that is how so many of us still feel today. We are grasping for acceptance in any way we can, but often feel so rejected and unloved it drives us to make terrible decisions. It’s amazing what a powerful motivator abandonment and pain can have on us without us realizing it.
For me, my motivating factor has always been fear and the need to protect myself and others. If I could just keep myself safe, or keep others safe, everything was okay. And this belief was reinforced in my life, time and time again. I began to believe that obedience to the fear of punishment would keep me safe. But the fear of punishment only led me further and further from God.
It is so easy to allow other powers to take the place of God in our lives and not even realize it. Some call it our own personal power, and some can recognize that they are looking to a higher power or outside power. Either way, if it is not relying on the power of God then it is utilizing the power of the enemy who wants to steal your soul.
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14
I have been purposefully connected to more beings and people than I can even understand, all for the purpose of using me as a conduit or channel. I was taught these entities or people were my saviors and that I must instead rely on them, and not God. I was taught that with their help, I could ultimately be a savior too. I could save myself and others, and then I could be special, loved, and protected.
What human being in this world doesn’t desire to have those things? But when you are taught as a young child to use hate, anger, manipulation, revenge, and false power sources to save yourself it literally destroys you. You become a fragment of who God created you to be as Satan molds you into his image instead. None of us would ever purposefully choose that, yet it is presented to us time and time again.
How can we avoid the trap of becoming our own gods and calling on false power sources? We can’t, and that is exactly the point. You don’t need to fear what you have done or connected to. You don’t need to be afraid of the lies that have been built up inside of you or where you have been led astray. Our God is far more powerful than all of those things, and with the breath of His Word, He can destroy them and make you new. You just have to believe.
The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1
When you trust in Jesus and surrender your whole heart to Him, you are doing all you need to do to combat the burdens that have been placed on you. God is not asking for you to follow Him by asking His permission in everything you do or living in fear of His retribution. He’s just asking for you to love Him, because when you truly love Him He has you,r whole heart. And oh what a beautiful miracle will happen when God is the master over your heart instead of you.
Loving Jesus is not always an easy thing to do. It comes at a high price because it starts with a lot of self-evaluation. We have to be willing for Jesus to show us a lot of things we will call ugly and terrible. But guess what, God doesn’t see our wounds as we do. He sees the high price we paid to the devil to get where we are, and wants to use the high price His Son paid to take them away again. That is restoration my friends, and that is for you.
You are beautiful just as you are. Every single bleeding and festering wound that you bring to the cross will come under His blood and be washed until you are as white as snow. We may never see all of the healing and redemption this side of heaven, but we will see it all because we have eternity for God to complete the good work He started in us. I know it is hard, I know your strength has been waning – but that is because you are tapping into the wrong power source to access it. It’s time to step away from the dark and come into the light of Christ within you.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5
