What does it mean to keep perfect peace when your body and mind have been in trauma mode for your whole life? How do you surrender to the Lord and lean not on your own understanding when everything inside of you is screaming in fear? That is the problem I have lived with since becoming a Christian ten years ago.
At first, I just thought I had an anger problem. And sure, I have been extremely angry. But what I have perceived as anger has been my response to trauma triggers, and continued trauma happening to me. Everything in my body is in a continual state of fight or flight, and my first response is usually to fight. That means I believe that I am in a life-threatening situation and I need to fight for my life. That is how I respond to problems day to day.
I didn’t realize I was responding from a place of pain caused by past trauma. I just thought I was a mean person that needed to be fixed, and if I prayed and asked Jesus to help, I would get better. But I didn’t get better. Even after multiple deliverances by different ministries, I still couldn’t see any lasting improvement. I begged God for help, memorized Bible verses, went through counseling, and just tried to be a better version of myself, and none of it helped. I was responding to every problem by yelling and screaming, panicking, threatening, and even occasionally violence, and I hated myself for it.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26
I truly believed I was the problem. I was the terrible wife and mother that not even God could change. Every time I failed to ‘be better’ I beat myself up and continued the vicious cycle of programming, unknowingly perpetuating the lies. It took me years to really comprehend that I have spent so much of my life not feeling safe and being inflicted with so much trauma on every level of my mind, body, and spirit, that I only was able to react from a place of pain and fear. It was impossible to change my behavior without healing the trauma that all my reactions were rooted in.
Even in the first few years of inner healing, I saw no real change in my responses, and part of that was not being able to escape the ritual abuse that I was continually being pulled into. Jesus was doing enormous healing in me, otherwise, I would have never escaped the ritual abuse. But until I came to terms with the fact that my family still had enough hold over me to keep me dominated, I could not truly experience the level of healing I was looking for.
It was so easy to continue to give up control of my life and my body over to my family and the handlers that were set up over me because I kept agreeing with the lies that I am a terrible person who can’t get any better; beyond hope. When we give ourselves over to lies, they become strongholds within us, and those strongholds are always connected to spirits and/or people. That’s one of the reasons why washing in the Word of God is so important for our renewal. We have to come into alignment with God’s truth so we can replace it with the lies we have believed.
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12
Sometimes that is easier said than done. I have only recently really started working on renewing my mind with Biblical truths about myself and about God. I haven’t been able to sustain the practice before because I was too afraid of change. Being dominated, as painful as it was, felt easy and comfortable. I have known it all my life. It’s comfortable to stay in the same place, even if it actually hurts. That’s how the mind works in trauma.
Not only that, but I didn’t really believe that the truths of God were for me. I knew they were true for others, and I had no problem encouraging anyone else that they were loved and special to God. I just knew He didn’t feel that way about me. Yet as I began to dig deeper into scripture about God’s character and nature, I came to find that the love of God permeates everything. His grace, mercy, kindness, and compassion were overwhelming to me.
I realized I had seen God as a cruel, uncaring God who had a lot of rules I needed to follow to be good. These beliefs were so rooted in me I didn’t even realize they were there. I trusted God and knew He was good, but underneath that was a belief that came from the abuse; how does a good God allow me to rot in suffering and misery?
Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.
Hebrews 12:3
As I have continued my work in inner healing, Jesus has brought so much renewal to my body and my soul. Trauma responses are becoming less, and when they do come, I am learning how to regulate them. Some days my panic levels are high and my functioning is low, and I have to accept that is going to be a part of this season I am in. It’s okay that I struggle with my emotions or that I am unable to have a lot of social interaction. It’s okay to be me because there isn’t anything wrong with me.
My past abuse doesn’t define me, nor the things I was forced to do in the occult. The effects of trauma that I live with don’t define me. My thoughts don’t define me. The only thing that defines me is this truth: I am a child of the Most High God, who is for me and with me, who has given His life as a ransom to purchase me from the worthless inheritance of my ancestors and graft me into His family so I can now inherit eternal life in the presence of His glory.
Experiencing God’s peace has become more of a reality for me. I trust Him, and that trust has been proven to me, not only by His actions but by His Word. Now when I face a fearful situation, I can remind myself that I can surrender to Jesus and trust Him with everything. He cares for me, and He cares for the things that are important to me. He is working for me and helping me every day.
Return to the stronghold, O prisoners who have the hope;
This very day I am declaring that I will restore double to you.
Zechariah 9:12
No matter what will happen as I continue my life, even if it were traumatic, abusive, or caused more suffering, I am confident that Jesus is going to give me the strength to endure. He is going to give me exactly what I need because He loves me with an undying love. Life is more than my problems or feelings, or my past or future. It is about the life-sustaining connection with our Creator who wants to meet us where we are and then bring us into eternal freedom. Eternal freedom is freedom for our souls and spirits, and that is invaluable.
But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!
2 Chronicles 20:17
