Joy of the Lord is something that has been elusive to me as of late. As I have been going through my journey of inner healing, I have been receiving revelation from the Holy Spirit about severe and extreme abuse that I have endured from the hands of those that loved me most: My parents, grandmother and my “family” at the Mormon church I grew up in. This has been a devastating blow to me, because I have suppressed this for most of my life. The abuse was satanic in nature. It was ritualistic. It was pure evil. I have gone on a roller coaster of emotions as I have began to remember these horrifying events. Emotions ranging from betrayal, rage, anger, pain, hate, despair, depression, suicidal, and despondent. Joy was never one of them. Joy was something that I saw as being part of my past. I could look back and remember times where I had so much joy in the Lord, I was literally high, as if on drugs. It just drew me deeper into depression to think about those times, because now they were a far away memory.
How can a person even connect with the joy of the Lord when they believe their entire life has been a lie? How can one even begin to think about joy in the Lord when they have a part of them that believes God is the one who abused them? Or abandoned them to be abused? So I fell further and further into depression, not even connecting with hope. I knew hope was out there for me, but I could not see it at the point. I was so low, my friends began to get worried about me and wondered if this whole inner healing thing was a good idea.
I can imagine how hard it is for those that care about me, to see me so depressed when I have previously been such a passionate warrior for the Lord. It seems cruel even, to think that God would take a joyous woman and tear her down by bringing her into these memories of evil and pain. Yet the truth is, I have lived my entire life in pain. I cannot remember one moment of my life, prior to my walk with God, where I was not filled with pain. You see, the enemy knew what my call in this life was, before I was even born. He could see it in the store house that God has for each one of us. He knew that if I were able to walk in the call God had for me, that I would be a vicious weapon against His kingdom. And he wanted to turn that weapon against him, into a weapon against God. Because how much better would it be, not only to stop me from my call from God, but to turn it around and use it for his purposes instead?
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5
I have to admit, it was a bit of a struggle for me to even think that God had called me out for a purpose. I mean me? Little old housewife me? What could I do? Why would God choose me for anything? It really sounded like something to good to be true. Yes, God calls out the weak and builds them up in His strength, but not me. No, I am just a mess, a nobody, a loser and a freak with a horror story past. What can I ever do? Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt completely worthless and helpless to carry out anything of value for the Kingdom of God? Well you are not alone. I guarantee you, many of the people who are reading this have felt the same way, time and time again.
This is the device of the devil. He is your enemy. He hates you. Hate isn’t even a strong enough word. He despises you. He wants to destroy you, but even better, he wants to use you for his work. If he can succeed at using you, a child of God, for his purposes, for his evil; well he has just accomplished a miracle. That is, a miracle in his eyes. Yes, the devil will perform many false signs and wonders to bring the children of God into the kingdom of the Anti-Christ. I actually think it is pretty funny though. I mean, look at me. I am a miracle. I was beaten down and torn away from the very bosom of God the Father and believed He hated me and was evil. Yet here I am, rejoicing in a saving relationship with Jesus Christ! I am testifying to His miracles daily, and spreading the word of hope to all who hear me. How do you like that, devil?
Believe me, I am not more special than you are. I am not more anointed or connected or called out than you are. As a matter of fact, you are very special, and very well loved by the King, God Most High. Take a minute to let that resonate, deep within your soul. “I am a son/daughter of God Most High.” Breathe it in. Feel His presence. Feel His love wrap around you in this very moment. He is love, and He loves you. Let that love envelope you completely, and overwhelm you. It’s OK. He is waiting.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
Psalm 103:17-18
In Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon recognizes there is a time for everything, a season in which things must happen. A time to mourn, and a time to heal. I have been in the season of mourning and a season of healing. I have not enjoyed it, but it has been necessary. I have had to open up the pit that contained an ocean of pain, and take it head on. Yet I did not take it on alone. I had Jesus by my side, guiding me and healing me, each step of the way. I have had His strength to carry me through to do this job. Because healing is a job, a very hard job. I was willing to face this monumental task, as difficult as it was, and go to places that the devil meant me never to go. In the process I have unleashed the power of God to work miracles in my soul and spirit. I am still in the midst of it, but I do not regret it.
Oh there was a time I regretted it sincerely. Who wants to be in the middle of a painful healing process? Yet when has healing every been pain free? If you have ever been injured or had a surgery, you know what I mean. Healing hurts. Sometimes things in life hurt in order to get to the best part. Look at Jesus. He had to go through pain, suffering, torture, and hell, in order to spare us from it ourselves. Yes, we may still have pain and suffering in our lives, but we will never have to go to hell for it. We have the free gift of salvation, and eternity with Christ, because He was willing to go through the pain on our behalf. Do you think you can endure even a tiny fraction of that, in order to heal? Well you don’t have too. Because if you choose to step out in faith onto the healing path, Jesus is going to be right there with you, enduring the brunt of it all in your place. How amazing is that?
I do not want to see the devil win in your life anymore. As a matter of fact, I am excited at the prospect of war. What?! Excited? Yes! I am truly excited for you. Why? Because God has called you out, by name, to kick the devil in the butt! Yes you! Oh I hear your sighs of “I can’t do it” my Gideon-like friends. That is why I am here, to be your cheerleader! God’s love for you is too strong, and it will not be overcome by the devil. Ever. He is your safe place, your home, your mighty Rock and Fortress, you Strong Tower. Come to this safe haven He has set aside, just for you and He, and just relax in the safety of His presence. Just for this moment right now.
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.
Psalm 36:7-9
The devil will not win, nor prosper over your life, but you have to make a choice. A choice to choose life, and choose freedom. You have walked this path for a long time, and have forgotten you had a choice. You have been in this place of longing and fear for many years now, but it is not a place God has chosen for you. You came there because it felt safe, but in reality it was just another trap the enemy set for you. This is not your home. You are here on assignment, but you have forgotten your call. That is OK, because God will happily remind you of it, if you only ask. Do not fear, beloved. He is near, forever and always. Do not let the devil whisper in your ear anymore, but realize now, the time has come to fight. Remember, mighty warrior, God has called you out.
