I wish I could say my walk with Jesus has been perfect. That I pray and sit in His presence daily, but that has not been the case. There have been days, actually months even, when I do not pray regularly, or sit with Him and enjoy His presence. Those times have been bleak to say the least. Not nearly as bad as life before Jesus – no, I don’t think life could ever get that bad again. My worst day with Jesus, is still better than my best day without Him. He is my hope and my joy in life, and one that I could never live without.
Yet as much passion and desire as I have for my marvelous and amazing Lord, there are just times when I have set Him aside in my life. Even in this short time I have been walking with Him. As I write this it has not even been two years since I first committed my life to Him. I think it is normal to fall away sometimes in your walk of faith. And it is important not to beat yourself up. I have learned some valuable lessons from these times when I seem to just walk through life-like a zombie.
I have to admit that part of the reason I have withdrawn from God is from fear. My journey into faith has gone so fast and so intense that it has gotten a bit much at times. I often ask God why He has chosen me to jump into all this and experience the things I have. How did I go from a pagan who blasphemed God daily to someone who is ready to give it all up for the sake up Christ?
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13
Jesus has been so faithful to me. Even when I ignore my prayer life and my time with Jesus for weeks, when I come back to it He is still there, waiting. He is always there. And Jesus is not angry with me for abandoning Him. He does not rebuke me for my failings. He just loves me, right where I am at. Yet He is sad. Jesus has given me His all, and all He asks for in return in the same from me. He wants it with me whole heart though, not out of guilt or shame. 
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8
How do I keep my focus on the Lord all the time? It is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind. To see injustice in the world and be angry and despair. Or to see my kids fighting with each other and get angry at them and yell. Or to even get mad at my husband for something so small that I have blown up in my mind. I love the Lord with all my heart and soul and mind, so how do I so easily lose sight of Him? Why can’t I just stop before I yell at the kids and pray for strength from God? Or spend my time praying for everyone I know instead of perusing Facebook? If I was as faithful to Jesus as He was to me, I would be better. So much better.
But that is not true. I am a sinner in need of a Savior. It’s my failings and short comings that remind me of that every day. And they are there to humble me. In my weakness I can find strength in my Savior. It is a beautiful gift to cherish every time I fall. Because there on my knees is where I will find the grace to get back up again and stand firm in Christ.
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Philippians 2:6-8
So take heart the next time you find yourself slowly slipping away from your prayer life and your motivation to read the Bible. Do not shame yourself because there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. You are Kings and Queens – co heirs with Christ! Even King David, the mightiest of the Patriarchs of the Bible, often fell prey to his own evil desires and fell away from God. Yet ultimately his heart was for his Lord and he cried out over and over again for mercy and for help. He knew he was a sinner in need of a savior. He knew God was his rock and foundation and without him he was nothing. He recognized his mistakes and humbled himself and asked for forgiveness.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
Psalm 18:6
We are made to have a relationship with God. He created us out of love – and unrelenting love that will never cease. A passionate love that was willing to die for us. And He delights in us, rejoices in us, even when we fall away. Imagine the woman who only had one bit of oil left in her jar. Just enough to feed herself and her son one more time and then they were going to starve to death. But that was without the love of God. When we deny our hearts access to Him who created us, that is what our life is like. Just trying to make it through because we are starving and ready to die. But with Jesus our oil will never run out. It will continue to give us what we need to sustain our life and move forward day after day. His love is that oil in the jar, and it will never run out, never stop pouring out for us.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8
Thank you God for helping me to see my short comings and where I fail with my children, my husband, and my church family. I am so thankful for this, because before I was too blind to see and to scared to care. I lived my life walking blindly and even thought I wanted to be a better person, I simply could not do it. But with you , I am ever-growing and changing into the likeness of Christ, through humble submission and obedience. Thank you for gift of grace and mercy, from one who does not deserve it.
