One of the hardest parts about being a ritual abuse survivor is being an adult. Maybe that sounds strange because I am an adult, but as a ritual abuse survivor you are trained to live out of dissociative alters that are stuck in a regressed age. Often that age is very young, such as a toddler or young child. Anyone who has DID or other forms of complex dissociative disorder understands the struggle of having the feelings of a child in the body of an adult.
However, for many of us survivors, the hardest part is recognizing that we are living from the perspective of a child and not from our adult selves. I have been an adult for thirty years, and it took me until this year to realize that most of that time, I was not thinking with my adult mind. I was understanding the world and interacting with my life as a child or teen for over 50% of the time.
How can you recognize the difference between thinking as an adult and thinking as a child, or even from the mind of an occult loyal follower? There are so many aspects to our personalities as a ritual abuse survivor because they create roles for alters to fill. Some parts are designed to protect us, some to follow orders from occult masters, some to make sure we stick with the occult programming, some to be gods and some are still stuck in the place of abuse that is being relived over and over again.
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.
Psalm 27:10
When this complex system is set up in a child, they are unaware they have parts and programming. So as you grow into a teen and then an adult your awareness of the system set up doesn’t change. You are used to living with different alters who can seamlessly switch with no one the wiser, including yourself. It usually seems like facets of your personality and even those closest to you wouldn’t question it.
So, as an adult with DID, I assumed my reactions and feelings were normal – and they were, for a highly dissociative person. I didn’t understand that responding with fear, terror, rage, or emotional breakdowns was coming from an alter who didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with everyday adult problems. Our adult or current-age selves are often unequipped to deal with things that feel difficult or that trigger a trauma response, so we have younger alters come forward to deal with them instead. Unfortunately, those parts are almost always much younger and help us by using protective tools given by occult trainers.
For instance, I spent the better part of my life dealing with things that scared me with anger, rage, violence or manipulation, and witchcraft. Those have been my go-to methods and I have had many parts willing to step up and use them. It’s easy to allow another alter to come in and take over, especially when you don’t have any healthy coping mechanisms. It has only been recently that I have been able to rely on God in difficult and traumatic situations and it is an amazing feeling.
For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10
This leads me to the hard part of being an adult – staying present and connecting with Jesus instead of allowing other parts to take over and do the heavy lifting for me. That means doing adult things while being an adult, such as having complicated relationships, dealing with appointments for my children, going to the grocery store alone, and figuring out how to solve frustrating problems. I have been unable to do any of these things as an adult before this year. I didn’t want to and was unwilling to try. I wanted another part to take over because it was easy to let them yell and act very big and scary, or manipulate people and get their way. Then I was never really to blame for all the ‘bad behavior’ – it was them.
Not to say I have never handled adult problems without having a meltdown, but it becomes easy to go through the motions of doing everyday tasks or taking care of loved ones and believe our adult self is the one doing it all. Another important role of our alters is to help us live in denial. To keep us away from the truth of our programming and occult connections, and to stay a high-functioning person, a ritual survivor relies heavily on denial.
A person living in high levels of denial can look like a very functioning adult, even though they have a younger part doing all the work. It’s important for the hidden Satanic agenda that was set up in a survivor to stay completely hidden, and therefore run smoothly. It’s a very complicated system and that is why it has taken me so long to learn the unhealthy coping mechanisms I have leaned on to survive.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2
It’s difficult to make my own decisions and deal with the results when I have had a buffer from it for so long. So much of me has believed I could be a god, have all the control, and have no consequences from it. It’s the only way I have known how to be safe when I have lived under so much abuse and pain. Thankfully, I can now have a deep and abiding relationship with Jesus Christ. I don’t have to do everything alone or be a god. I can develop new, healthy ways to relate to others or work out complicated problems that I don’t have the answer to. I can learn to be still and wait on God, trusting that He is going to help me with whatever I face. I am safe with Him
I can look at my pain, my desire to manipulate or be a god, and bring it to Jesus without fear of punishment because He is loving and patient with me. He understands what I have been through and He understands my heart. He has been gentle and kind as He has walked with me through the fire of healing and deliverance. I know He is trustworthy and I can rely on Him to continue to walk with me no matter what.
That doesn’t mean my life is easier – there are still plenty of challenges as a ritual abuse survivor – but it’s so much better knowing that I have the strength to face it through Jesus. Life can be hard; there is death, violence, deprivation, and pain. Jesus never promised to remove those things from the world, instead, He offers to be our buffer, so that when the heavy trials of the world come upon us they go through Him first. What a beautiful exchange.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10
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