Ever since I came into a relationship with Jesus Christ, I have been very concerned about following what He wants me to do. I have made it a point to always pray before making any big decisions, or even any decisions that were going to have any real impact on my life. As a matter of fact, I was even afraid of making wrong decisions because I didn’t want to either make God mad, or make a wrong move that would allow hardship to enter my life. I wanted to fully rely on God to the best of my ability and follow Jesus.
As we all know, learning to follow Jesus is no easy task. It requires a level of submission that seems basically impossible. Surrender to God is a process that takes time, and for some it can be a life long work. However, as bad as we might be at following Jesus, it never angers Him or causes Him to look down on us. He loves us unconditionally, and that is something that will never, never change.
As I have been walking through the healing process I have learned so much more about God and who He is. It has been absolutely amazing. Through the darkness and depths of hell I have had to go to in this healing, I have been rewarded with unimaginable depths of a relationship with my Father. That is why I cannot quite walking through this process, as painful and difficult as it is. There is nothing to compare to the love of God, and the beginning of knowing truly knowing Him.
And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39
It has only been because I have been slowly laying down myself before Him in healing that I can even begin to know Him more. I have had to navigate through times of realizing I was very angry at God, or even hated Him. And that even then, He was not mad at me. What an absolute revelation! God knows me and knows my heart, and knows that my anger and pain lashing out against Him is a result of severe abuse, not because I am wicked.
I have also had to navigate through so much attack against me that there are days I can’t even see straight. I am absolutely flattened by what is coming at me, and have wanted to just give up many times. It is those moments where I cannot even hear from the Lord and life is just too difficult. How can I follow a God that I can be so disconnected from in the midst of war? Yet what I have realized is that as much as I would like to follow Jesus, there are still so many ways I have been holding back.
I get a lot of spiritual attack because of my blog, my Youtube videos, and well for just being me. Since I started my blog I have been very open about inviting people to reach out to me, but it is that very thing that has brought me so much devastating attack. I have longed to connect with people, yet in my willingness to open myself up, I am also opening myself up to being attacked by witchcraft and much worse. It comes from all sides.
no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
and this is their vindication from me,”
declares the Lord.
Isaiah 54:17
Finally, through prayer, I began to really listen to what the Lord was saying His will was for me in answering emails or viewing comments on my videos or FB page. I was making decisions for my every day doing what I thought I should be doing. Answering emails, etc. I was not listening to what God had for me that day. And day in and day out I was being broken by attack, sometimes barely able to function.
I was the one who was making decision for my life, which means I was the one I was really following. I felt obligated to put others first who were contacting me as if I were doing it for God. It was for my ministry, but that doesn’t make it God’s will. So all the while I was running my life out of feelings of guilt and obligation and pressure, God was waiting patiently for me to come to the end of my rope and come to Him.
It is then that He told me that I was doing myself more harm than good by allowing the wrong motives and desires to drive me. It is very easy to get caught up in life and just go alone with the path we have laid out for ourselves. Especially when it looks like were doing good, or like were doing it for God. But until we stop every morning and give ourselves over to God to see where He will take us, we are still following ourselves, and not Jesus Christ.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
Psalm 103:8
God is never mad at us for any of this. He understands the reasons we make the choices we make. He is lovely and kind and patient with us. He will never harbor anger or resentment towards us because we are not completely following Him or surrendering to Him. Ultimately it is we who suffer, no matter what we want to tell ourselves. Because all this time of being led astray by myself and the enemy I was the one paying the price for it, not God.
That is why God was gently trying to correct me in my ways. Not because He is some sort of tyrant who is controlling and judgmental, but because He truly sees and knows everything, and knows what the results of our choices are going to be. He would prefer to gently lead us along into the plan He has had for us all along, to keep us from some of these painful circumstances we are choosing daily. But He will allow us to make any choices we want, because He has given us free will. And that means the free will to follow our own desires and not Jesus Christ.
Today as I opened up the Word a single verse stood out to me. Instead, his delight is in the LORD’s instruction, and he meditates on it day and night. Psalm 1:2 And it struck me: I can delight in the instruction of the Lord, instead of taking it for granted or resenting it. I have spent time feeling confined by His instruction, instead of freed by it. I have thought it too controlling when I heard the Lord tell me not to do certain things, but I could have found joy in it. He cares about me. He could have left me to my own devices to suffer, but He cares enough to give me that instruction.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
There is always going to be pressure in this world to follow other things besides God. And there is always going to be temptation to pursue those things. We are never going to reach perfection and come to a place where we are 100% following Jesus on this earth. That is not why God made us and brought us here. He chose us because He wanted us: just the way we are. There are not conditions are rules set upon God choosing us. He knew what He was doing when He made humans. He knew they would make mistakes and by giving them free will they may very well turn against the hand that created them. Yet He loves us despite all of that. That is true humility. Loving someone when they may never love you back, choosing someone who may turn on you completely.
I am so thankful for a God that wants to be my father. A God that wants to guide me and help me in this life. Life can be difficult enough on it’s own, so why add more troubles to it? I have lived long enough pushing God away because I believed He hurt me and hated me, why continue to live my life as if that were still true. I know God’s love. I have seen the face of the One who loves me most. And there is nothing more in this life that I could ever gain or that could ever satisfy except Him.
I know everyone struggles as I do. It is perfectly normal. But today I invite you to nestle in a little deeper into the Father’s love and see what He has to say to you. If you have grown weary from this world, then just know you were never meant to take it on alone. You have done the best you can with what you have, but today there is a sweet and tender love that is beckoning to you. That love is so full of mercy and grace that it can sweep away every wrong move you have ever made and transform it into something for your good.
So step out friends. Take His hand. He has so much more to offer you in this life. More than any games, television show, friends, family, or anything else can ever offer you. He can give you exactly what you need. He can show you who He created you to be. One step at a time. Trust Him. God is trustworthy. And He is worth it all, even paying the highest price for.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
Psalm 16:2
