Lately, I have noticed a restlessness or unsettling in my soul that I know was there before, but I never paid heed to. It is this sense of needing or wanting something but not knowing precisely what it is. I think it’s items to possess or people I love having something change for the better, but that’s not really what it is. Yet I have allowed it to drive me as I search restlessly for the satisfaction my soul desires.
What is it in my soul that is ever seeking but never finding what it craves? Is it sin or rebellion? Is it power and control? I think the answer is different for everyone, and yet we each find ourselves coming to this place of longing and dissatisfaction with our lives or circumstances. I think the book of Ecclesiastes is a beautiful picture of what it’s like to wrestle with the discontentment and longing for more that builds up inside of us.
Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 2:10-11: “Anything I wanted, I would take. I denied myself no pleasure. I even found great pleasure in hard work, a reward for all my labors. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.” Striving and seeking to find peace or fulfillment outside of God often leads us to this place – but how do we truly find our needs met through God alone?
I have often found myself in distress over many things in my life that I knew if I could just change them all would be well. If my children all followed Jesus, if my husband no longer had to suffer, if I could have friends, or if my children could have friends, or if I could have more or better things, then I could feel happy and settled. But those things haven’t come. I am not able to find the joy I seek from having everything I want.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Psalm 43:5
What would really happen if I were to have everything I want? Like Solomon, I would probably feel even more dissatisfied with life realizing that having everything is actually worthless. So how do we stop striving and find peace through Jesus?
I have tried prayer and worship in these times, and many times Jesus has met me in that place and spoke truth that settled my soul. Yet other times truth itself hasn’t been enough to bring peace. It hasn’t been able to quench the need to reach out for more. The conclusion I have come to is sometimes what we feel is not really our own. Sometimes the enemy uses our emotions as a distraction to keep us away from intimacy with God.
That is when we need to contend for ourselves through prayer and surrender. Maybe there is an unrepentant sin that is opening a door for the enemy, or maybe it is generational sin that is being used to harass us. The enemy would love to keep us in a state of perpetually longing for power, control, or pleasure to keep us wrapped up in our sin nature. When we are walking with the Spirit of God it is easy to find contentment in the work of our hands and serving those around us, but when we give in to our flesh, it will always demand more.
You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.
James 4:2
God has indeed given us a beautiful world full of good things to enjoy. He provides us with many blessings and desires for us to experience pleasure and happiness during our time here, but even more, He wants us to have a deep and meaningful relationship with Him. He is a good Father, Counselor, and Friend to His children and through that relationship, we will reap eternal benefits that won’t tarnish or fade.
As a ritual abuse survivor, it has taken me a long time to come to a place where I could find satisfaction in the simple things in life – watching the birds in my backyard, cleaning my house, cooking a meal for my family. None of those things brought me pleasure before because I was bent on looking for any way I could to survive and protect myself. I wanted power and control over everyone and everything because I truly believed it would bring safety. But the more I have strived to have more, be more, and do more, the more I have felt depressed, worthless, and unloved.
Nothing has ever been enough to fill the hole in my soul that only needed the love of Jesus. When you have been through severe trauma it takes a long time of tending to your wounds before you can come to a place of satisfaction and peace with God. And I believe that one of the reasons Solomon struggled to find peace is because he also tried harnessing the powers of the occult through idol worship and opened up the doors to sin.
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:18
So how do we contend against the opposition of the enemy and the sinful nature of our flesh amidst our own wounding and pain? First and foremost we continue to surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ and invite Him into even the deepest places of pain. We work on spiritual disciplines that meet us where we are because everyone’s capacity is different. We dive into God’s Word, even if it means meditating on one verse over the course of months because even that will renew our minds.
We look for resources that will help speak Biblical truth and encouragement into us, whether it’s a church, a friend, YouTube sermons – anything that is excellent and praiseworthy that can help to strengthen our spirits. And we work on healing the wounds and finding deliverance from every occult power, high place, and generational stronghold that has been given ground in our lives. Then when we are able we walk in the power of the Holy Spirit to use our unique gifts to serve and strengthen those God puts in front of us. We deny our flesh and care for our spirit.
This is the process of sanctification and this is how we truly find meaning and satisfaction here on earth as it is in heaven. So for today, be encouraged that the Spirit of the Living God is with you, helping you to resist temptation and giving you the strength to walk with Him. He has not abandoned you to this world but is doing much more than you can even perceive.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
