I have written many times about having dissociative personalities and how they become loyal to the occult through Satanic ritual abuse and mind control programming, but what I haven’t talked about is the current struggles I am having that come from the repercussions of my denial.
You see, as a new Christian I firmly believed that I was going to be born again of the Spirit of God, and everything that was bad or evil would be washed away. I would be clean and pure in the eyes of God, and that meant all of my occult ties would be gone forever. Yet as I began to walk with the Lord I did not see my problems vanish as they should. What I saw was continued distress consuming me on a daily basis. I could not understand why; all I knew is that there was that promise of something more.
So I sought deliverance from whatever was plaguing me, over and over again. Yet deliverance never set me free. Often times I would feel the oppression lifting off of me like a lead weight only to find it returned the next day. What kind of Christian could be so oppressed?
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
It wasn’t until my deliverance with Four Corners Free that I came to understand some deep truths about my life. Not only was I oppressed, but I was severely oppressed and demonized, even though I was a Christian. The oppressed started generations before I was ever born as rights were given over to my life. Even my own father, who was in fear of his life, was convinced to give rights over to his yet unborn child.
How the devil loves to deceive God’s people into believing he holds all of the cards, and if we would just follow him, we would be safe and very blessed. Yet it’s a lie that weaves into the fabric of our souls and slowly, but deliberately strangles us, one breathe at a time.
We do not need Satan to save us from threats of death and ruin; all we need is a God that will walk through us and take up our burdens for us, making them lighter and more bearable. That is what Jesus offers us, yet so many of our ancestors thought that gleaming bit of fruit hanging off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil looked so much better. And that is the choice we all must live with now.
When I was a child, my parents, having endured much of the same hardships I’m about to describe, took me to Satanic rituals in which they promised my life over to Lucifer, and other fallen angels. They spilled my blood and the blood of innocents such as myself and used it to make covenants with death and hell. The thought was always to achieve a better life for us all because the looming threat of death and hell were too unbearable. It’s better to align with them than to be overtaken.
So time and time again I was bound to unholy entities as well as the spirits of the deceased, in order to further our bloodline and make a name for our family. A heritage to be proud of, to pass down the generational line, that would bring wealth, power, and notoriety. Except that it didn’t. All it brought us was oppression, pain, suffering, guilt, and anguish that was deeper than the wounds on my body.
Through all this pain and trauma, they created dissociative alters in which to hide all these things; all these plans to keep us connected to fallen angels whom we would worship and sacrifice our lives too. These dissociative alters were born as children out of fear and pain and that was all they would ever know. Follow orders, keep to the plan, and you will live.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2
This was the pattern of my life until I was about 21, and then I broke out on my own, to join into another family; an occult family that would be my coven. This coven of secret Satanists as I like to call it was planted at a charismatic Christian church. It was led by the pastor of the church and filled with many Christians from around the city. I myself was a professing witch, and others in the coven were atheists. It didn’t matter how we lived our lives outwardly, all that mattered was that solemn pact we had all vowed to take as children: follow the Antichrist or die.
During my entire adult life, I met with this coven at this Christian church and participated in Satanic rituals, which consisted of orgies, sacrifice, bloodletting, and worship of fallen angels. Had I known consciously I was doing this I would have never in a million years agreed. Yet I didn’t know, because my dissociative alters who were trained to take over my body would push my conscious mind back so they could do the job of going to Satanic rituals.
There were a hundred clues over the years that something was not right, but I was never to know until Jesus Christ started to reveal these things to me. I was always emotionally undone – depressed, anxious, angry – and these emotions would be completely out of control. There were times when I would go to the doctor for strange physical symptoms with no reasonable explanation only to find out recently it was repercussions of the rituals.
Even as a Christian I experienced suicidal tendencies, extreme outbursts, and being constantly plagued by physical ailments. All these things were signs, but I was not ready to know what the signs led to. When the time was right, Jesus very gently led me down the path of the truth. Step by step, He was my constant. First, strengthening me, then guiding me, always holding me steady as I walked down the path to freedom.
Freedom only comes after a hard and long-fought battle. It is never handed over to us, but it is claimed bit by bit as we step into our true identities: who we are in Christ. As I continued to fight for my freedom, year after year, I came to the belief that I was indeed free. I was never again to step into a Satanic ritual, my dissociative alters leading me away from who I am. However, to make assumptions of that level was naive. One does not spend 40 years being bound by Satan and led by dissociative alters to have it healed in a few years.
Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.
Psalm 91:14-15
This is a long and arduous process that takes great patience and strength to navigate through. If I hadn’t strengthened my relationship with Jesus beforehand, I surely would have fallen flat on my face. Yet I have endured, even when I found out recently that indeed I had gone to a Satanic ritual. The signs were all there once again; the feelings of depression, the need to walk away from inner healing, the desire to end my life because of feelings of hopelessness.
Yet I was blinded by my need to deny. If it was true that this could still happen to me, that I could be so sick and twisted, then surely I was not Christian at all. Was I truly just a Satanist who could never be made right with God? Would these actions of dissociative parts of my psyche send me straight to hell? How could I work so hard, repenting, renouncing, seeking the truth, begging God to free me and still be so bound?
I felt as if all of my work was for nothing. I was a failure with no hope for real salvation. Yet I persisted in finding the truth and asking God all of the hard questions. ‘Why God, have you once again allowed this to happen to me? Do you not love me? Why didn’t you protect me?’
We all need to wrestle with God and ask Him these hard questions. We need to be willing to bring Him the deepest levels of our pain and utter despair, but then we must be willing to hear His response. Just like Job, we may deem ourselves worthy to tell the creator of the universe that He has done us wrong, and just like Job we will be humbled as we should be.
We want so desperately to hide from the darkness within us, but to God, dark and light look the same. He sees no difference, and therefore we cannot hide it from Him. Even more so, He sees the truth of our condition: how we got there, the state of our hearts, if we are willing to follow Him into the truth. He stands with us always, whether we love Him or not, and whether we choose to follow Him to these hidden places or not.
He does not judge or condemn us for things out of our control, nor does He hate us for our sin. Jesus’ blood still applies to our sin, no matter how terrible we believe it is, and there is no sin so great that it makes us beyond salvation. God knew well before this technological age of mind control programming how deeply hidden Lucifer’s antichrist agenda would run. He also knew how far the devil would go to set up God’s children as his own, and that is why Jesus died for us.
“Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”
Isaiah 53:4-5
Jesus has experienced pain, suffering, rejection: hell itself. He knows exactly what you have been through and what it has taken to preserve your life to get you to where you are now, and He would do it again because, my love, you are worth it. Satan has had his day, but God has you for eternity. It does not matter what you think your life has amounted too because it is priceless to God.
I have struggled with great pain at the revelation that I have been in a Satanic ritual recently, yet I know this was not my choice. It was not my desire to be violated and brutalized at the hands of these people. I would never agree to step foot in that church again, let alone align myself in any way with Satan again. God knows this. He knows my heart. He was with me there in the midst of it, and He preserved my life. He brought me out and let me see the truth, and He will do it again if need be.
I am not ashamed of who I am. I am a child of God in a broken and corrupt world, saved by grace through faith, and that will never change. There is no amount of programming, rituals or abuse that will ever change these facts. My Father has me, and he has brokered a place for me with Him in eternity, and that is where my faith will rest. Not in this earthly realm, but in the seat I have waiting for me next to Jesus Christ.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:1-4
