• Letting Go Of Self-Hate

    November 19, 2024

    Emotions can be tricky. Sometimes they can be overwhelming, guiding you down unseen paths and you feel helpless to choose anything else. For me, emotions have been something that I have contended with all my life because they have been larger than life, like a force that controls me. Whether it be anger, love, hopelessness, or anxiety, my emotions have been like a god to me. It all started when I was very young. During abusive training sessions by my programmers, I was put into situations that would purposefully heighten my emotions. These simulations would cause me extreme fear or…

  • Growing Into Christ

    November 13, 2024

    One of the hardest parts about being a ritual abuse survivor is being an adult. Maybe that sounds strange because I am an adult, but as a ritual abuse survivor you are trained to live out of dissociative alters that are stuck in a regressed age. Often that age is very young, such as a toddler or young child. Anyone who has DID or other forms of complex dissociative disorder understands the struggle of having the feelings of a child in the body of an adult. However, for many of us survivors, the hardest part is recognizing that we are…

  • Mercy Triumps Over Judgement

    October 22, 2024

    For most of my life, it has been easy to suppress my emotions, especially towards people I feel deserve judgment or punishment. Disconnecting from humanity is quite common among people who have experienced deep levels of trauma. It is a coping mechanism when the emotions of the traumatic events are more than the human mind can process through. It becomes so overwhelming that it’s easier not to feel, or feel very little. Some people choose to use substances such as drugs or alcohol to help numb the pain, some use distractions such as being busy at work or with endless…

  • From Darkness To Light

    September 23, 2024

    For a long time, my daily brain patterns have been to look for danger or defend myself against anything that might bring pain. I knew nothing else, and looking for things that brought joy or hope was nearly impossible. It was like I was hard-wired to feed off of pain and fear and reject joy. Now after almost 10 years of intensive inner healing, I can finally say I don’t live in daily torment or pain. It’s an incredible thing to be able to say this. I lived in so much pain and suffering that I had no hope of…

  • Finding The Path Of Eternal Life

    November 2, 2023

    For the Christian, our hope is in the eternal life with God that comes with the salvation of Jesus Christ. For some Christians, it is easy to focus on the eternal perspective of life and not get caught up in discouragement as we watch the Antichrist agenda unfold before our eyes. Yet for others, seeing the suffering and evil in this world is unbearable as we turn our eyes off of Jesus and onto what the enemy is doing. I know I for one have struggled greatly with focusing on my pain and the evil that is so pervasive in…

  • Finding Satisfaction

    September 7, 2023

    Lately, I have noticed a restlessness or unsettling in my soul that I know was there before, but I never paid heed to. It is this sense of needing or wanting something but not knowing precisely what it is. I think it’s items to possess or people I love having something change for the better, but that’s not really what it is. Yet I have allowed it to drive me as I search restlessly for the satisfaction my soul desires. What is it in my soul that is ever seeking but never finding what it craves? Is it sin or…

  • Hope For The Future

    August 28, 2023

    I have been keeping myself busy lately with projects around my home and it is very refreshing for me. I have spent so much of my life being controlled and all my energy going into surviving. I am finally in a place where I feel like I can start thriving. It has been such a long, arduous process to get here, so I am trying to enjoy just being a person. That may sound strange to some people, but when you are so stripped of your humanity that you can barely have your own thoughts and all your choices are…

  • Finding Purpose And Meaning In Life

    July 25, 2023

    Every person who ever lives asks, “What is my purpose and why am I here?” The average Christian is taught to find meaning and purpose through a life of loving and serving Christ. But what if you aren’t the average Christian who was brought up in a loving home and came to Christ through the care and admonition of a Christian parent? What if your life was fraught with pain, betrayal, and hatred? How do you find meaning in value in a life that was broken beyond repair? As a new Christian, I sought my purpose by leaning heavily on…

  • The Reliability of Jesus

    July 19, 2023

    I never had a sure foundation until I met Jesus. Everything in my life was unstable and unpredictable. I never knew when I was going to be punished, tortured, or taken to a ritual. I have lived in constant fear and anxiety about what horrible thing will happen next. Never knowing when the other shoe would drop is a terrifying way to live. I have looked for safety by trying to control my environment and circumstances every second of every day. Anything that was a hair out of place threw me into terror, which came out as rage. Despair and…

  • Finding Restoration

    July 11, 2023

    I heard a quote the other day that said “Jesus isn’t in the business of fixing you, He’s in the business of making you  whole.” I really loved that quote because I never thought of Jesus not wanting to fix us but to restore us. I have always considered myself a work in progress – a hot mess that needs a major rehaul. To think that God does not see me that way, but instead sees the beauty in the finished work ahead, is very hopeful and reassuring. What is the meaning of restoration? According to the dictionary, it means…