When I first felt the Holy Spirit moving me to write this blog, I was very excited. I love to write, and I have been writing since I was 13. I began with writing dark poems about my obsession with death. Then I moved into writing short stories and later began to journal as well. Then one day I just stopped. I stopped writing completely. No journaling, poetry, nothing. It was like I was a dried up well. I always felt my poetry was an expression of my inner most self – my soul. I guess it was about a year or two after my second son was born. I was depressed because my husband had abandoned us and I was in an abusive relationship. So it was a period of about 10 years that I did not write at all. Wow, that’s a lot!
I also stopped playing music. I have been involved in music since I was in 4th grade. I started by playing the recorder, then took 5 years of violin, a year of piano and a year of choir. I had a guitar I liked to strum on, an acoustic bass I fiddled with and I taught myself how to play the drums. I also loved to sing and was fairly obsessed with music. It was something that was deep in my soul. Yet about the same time I stopped playing music too. I still sang though – that was easy enough to do while driving in the car.
I don’t know what it was that caused me to stop, but since I have found Jesus Christ I have come alive in these areas again. So like I said, I was very excited at the thought of writing down my story, my testimony on a blog and sharing it with the world. I worked hard on making it look nice and picking out a name. When I began to write out the stories from my life – my own personal horror stories – I was very difficult. Partly because it was hard to remember things that were so painful in my past, and partly because I didn’t want others to have to read it. It was just so awful and sad and I felt bad for anyone who would read it and be sad for me.
I am not sad anymore over my past. Jesus has healed me and helped me become whole. At least I am on my way to it and it feels great. But in writing this blog I really began to question, why? I really felt that the Holy Spirit inspired me to start the blog. Often times I would sit to write and not have a clue to what I was going to write about, then the words would come tumbling out of me. So I know that this blog is for God. I have prayed many times and asked Him to take this blog and use it for His glory. That I was writing for Him, and that was all that mattered. Yet time and time again I would turn to God and cry out, why? Why am I writing this blog anyway? What is the point? I mean no one is even reading it!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
It is frustrating to feel that God has called you to do something, especially when you don’t really feel equipped to do it. Writing a blog isn’t just putting the words on a screen and hitting publish. There are key words and Google search engines and social media pages to share it on. And how hard is it to get Google to rank your page and show it when someone types in your keyword? And speaking of keywords, how the heck do you even choose one anyway? I love to write, but beyond that I am just lost in this whole process.
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:31
So again I find myself crying out why Lord, why? Why am I writing about my messed up life, why am I doing a blog, that I have no idea how to do, and what is the point anyway. Some days I think about writing and I dread it. I just don’t want to do it. I’m not good enough, and I don’t know what I’m doing.
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.Isaiah 40:31
I have to keep reminding myself though, God has called me to do this. I am doing it for my King. So I don’t need to be good enough, I just need to obey. I don’t need to know what I am doing, I just need to trust. That is such a hard thing to do! How much easier it would be to just trust in the ways of the world! The things that I could see and touch and feel! But I have done that for most of my life, and where did that lead me? Nowhere I would like to return.
So I put one foot in front of the other and keep walking on this journey with God, writing this blog. I cannot see any fruit from it right now, but I believe in God, and I believe He keeps His word. I know not many people are reading it, but I trust that God will use it, even though I can’t see it.
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 1 Corinthians 5:7
