When I was growing up I did not have a normal childhood. I was never taught the things that a young girl should be taught about the basics of housekeeping or self-care. I wasn’t taught to brush my teeth regularly, take care of my body, eat healthily, or how to cook or clean. These were all things I had to learn on my own, and some things I am still learning at the age of 44.
I have always been so hard on myself for not being better at all of these things. I have continually held the whip to my back, ready for every failure I perceive in myself as a mother, a wife, a homeschooler, and a Christian. No matter what I do, it’s not right and never enough.
I have worked through these issues many times, but yet there they are cropping up almost daily, the worst of them being my failure as a wife and mother. For a long time, I didn’t need to worry overmuch about cleaning, as I either lived with my parents or had a full-time job taking care of my children. Even when I became a stay at home mom when I remarried 14 years ago, I still didn’t put an emphasis on cooking and cleaning. I hated it and did the bare minimum.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6
Truth be told, I didn’t care about these things because there was nothing inside of me left to care. I was overwrought with emotion most of the time because I was still living in so much denial about being a survivor, going to Satanic rituals, and the abuse I was still enduring. I could barely function and was trying to homeschool on top of it. I barely made it through each day, and often turning to marijuana and alcohol to numb the intense pain.
It has taken me years to come out of a place where I hated basically everything and wanted to conform more to the Christian standard of being a submissive wife. I have been so dominated my entire life that submission was a very hard pill to swallow. Yet I have struggled and prayed to beg God to help me be the wife and woman He created me to be. I have made great strides, but I still cannot have a smidge of grace for myself in the place where I am at.
Until today. Today I was moping the floors after a few weeks of neglecting them and beating myself pretty good, telling myself how I need to keep a schedule and stick to it. I need to schedule days for cleaning certain things and doing laundry so the house can be nice and neat for my husband, who by the way doesn’t ever complain. But in my mind, and from what I see in the world, I am failing on all counts.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16
I struggle to homeschool my children and do the basics to keep the house clean. I can see all the things that need to be done, but I struggle to do most of them. I am finally coming back to a place where I can cook healthy food again because a few weeks ago all we ate were fast food and microwave meals. It was truly the best I could do. But today as I was mopping I realized, I am actually doing really well.
I was not raised in a nurturing environment with love and affection. I was not taught to cook or clean at all but to be a submissive slave to the Beast and Antichrist system. I was trained in the dark arts to program others and use my emotions to manipulate them. I was taught to perform high levels of sorcery and black magic, astral travel, and shapeshift. These were the priorities in my life growing up, but I have tried so hard to not see my life that way and pretend to be normal.
What does normal even mean? It means what everyone else is doing, in which case, everyone else is walking around in denial of all the pain and trauma they are carrying around. They are doing the best they can to mimic the world’s ideals of high functioning individuals who power through life, and I can’t do it. I try, and that is where I really fail. I am not failing at being a mother or wife, I’m failing at what the world calls normal.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9
So if I am not normal by the standards of the world, then I must be doing really great by God’s because His values do not match up with the worlds. Of course, God values a wife who honors Him by honoring her husband and being a faithful follower of Jesus Christ, but that is a heart issue, not a behavior. I am modeling a repentant and humble heart that chases after Jesus relentlessly to my children, and what more could Jesus ask for from me?
Just the fact that I am coming in alignment with God’s plan to be a submissive and humble wife is a huge victory for me, as well as my future generations. I am tearing down strongholds that kept me trying to constantly control and manipulate my husband, keeping him in alignment with the Antichrist agenda. I am fighting spiritual battles daily to free myself and my family from Lucifer and that is some of the most important work I can do.
So my house isn’t as clean as I want, and I am not the perfect housewife. I am a warrior for Christ who is breaking down generational strongholds instead of passing them down the family line. I am cooking and cleaning when I can, but more importantly, I am worshiping the Lord with all of my heart and freeing my soul to worship Him even more.
For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.
1 John 2:16
Lucifer, who is the god of this world, is going to try to distract us by making things seem much more important than they are. Money, politics, world affairs, women’s independence, education, and so much more, but what importance do those things really have in eternity? When we die we cannot carry with us any of our accomplishments, wealth, or status, and the woe’s of the world will be left far behind.
We have to start looking at God’s timeline for our lives and what He is asking us to accomplish. Isn’t the freedom of your soul and that of your future generations much more important than what you eat or what you wear? Won’t your heavenly Father give you so much more than you will ever want or need if you just trust in Him?
If you think you are living in a place of poverty then it’s time to look at your spiritual bank account and see if that is the reason you are coming up short. If we continue to live in denial, pouring out our bodies and souls to the agenda of the Antichrist and ignoring God’s will for us, then we very well may feel like impoverished beggars instead of children with an eternal inheritance.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:16-17
I don’t personally know the struggles each of you faces, but I have walked in the direst of circumstances and sin myself. I have been made blind, deaf, and dumb to the devil’s ways and blamed God for it. I have been financially, emotionally, and spiritually crippled for a very long time, and it was only when I continued to pour my heart out to Jesus for a rescue that things began to change.
It is a very slow process, but nevertheless, the process is working. We cannot see what Jesus is doing for us, but we must believe that as His children He is forever our provider, protector, and Savior. Trust in Jesus to show you the way to humility and repentance, and then let Him do the rest. He is a mighty man of war who will fight for you, and that’s a promise.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
