For a long time, my daily brain patterns have been to look for danger or defend myself against anything that might bring pain. I knew nothing else, and looking for things that brought joy or hope was nearly impossible. It was like I was hard-wired to feed off of pain and fear and reject joy. Now after almost 10 years of intensive inner healing, I can finally say I don’t live in daily torment or pain.
It’s an incredible thing to be able to say this. I lived in so much pain and suffering that I had no hope of ever coming out of it. The times when I didn’t feel torment and suffering were so few and far between and never even lasted more than a day or even a few hours. Technology-driven programmers in human spirit form were constantly hijacking my brain and connecting me to past trauma and pain to keep me in an endless cycle of self-hate, fear, and the need for control.
There are many other survivors out there who are in the same vicious cycle and they don’t even realize what is happening to them. They only know that they live in a perpetual state of confusion and dysphoria. Even more, people don’t connect their suffering to being a survivor who is being externally controlled through technology and mind-control programmers that were set up to be their masters. They walk through life like they are in a fog and can’t differentiate reality from programming. It’s a horrible way to live, and I have lived 95% of my life from that place.
But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26
It wasn’t until I was able to access the core parts of my internal system (that is the system of dissociated alters that were created by programmers) and face the hard truths of who the master mind control programmers were that have been accessing me daily. These programmers were a mix of dead human spirits, living human spirits, fallen ones, and technology. It is nearly impossible to access this information on your own because they are so hidden by trauma and witchcraft that it’s easier to deny it than face it.
However, with God, nothing is impossible. The God who created the heavens and the earth can subdue the programmers and the programming. He has all authority over every master and fallen entity. Technology bends to His will. He is the everlasting God and He is might to save. Thank God that He gave me the fortitude to endure through the healing journey and not give in to the hopelessness and despair that dominated my thought life.
One of the most prevalent programs that I have had to fight against has been the belief that I need to be safe. That means there will be nothing that presents itself in any way that brings me pain or discomfort. That extends to my loved ones as well. Every small thing has felt like a threat. If one of my children had a cold, I felt they would die. If my husband had back pain I was in anguish for him. Anything that wasn’t the way I thought it should be was a threat and needed to be removed.
For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And it was not paid with mere gold or silver, which lose their value. 19 It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.
1 Peter 1:18-19
The first year or so of my Christian walk I tried believing God would deliver me of all my problems. That we would be safe and secure by His hand removing everything I felt was bad or threatening. When I didn’t see that happening I began to curse God. He was a liar and had abandoned me. How could He allow me to continue to suffer and live in despair? What kind of God allows such evil to continue in a person’s life who has given over everything to Him?
In a way I rejected God. I didn’t fully give up on God, but I didn’t live out of a place of faith or trust. I was my own God, and I needed to handle all of our problems so we could be ok. Be safe. What I didn’t realize is this is exactly what the enemy determined I would do through a series of experiments using ritualistic torture, sacrifice, and deceit to form this complex system of beliefs. I was just acting out the program that had been put inside me. I didn’t even realize I had a deep-set hatred for God that fueled my need to become a god.
As I worked through inner healing over the years I did realize somewhere inside of myself I had a desire to be a god, but on a conscious level, I couldn’t see it. So I began to try to work through the understanding of why I needed to be a god and how that was still playing out in my own life. Eventually, during times of suffering, I stopped railing at God and began to trust in Him again. I continued to try to surrender to Him daily even though I didn’t fully believe He was going to rescue and heal me.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
It was only recently that I realized that in the middle of suffering, I can let go of my need to control or understand what’s happening and cling to Jesus. For me, this is a miracle. I’m able to let go and worship God and pray, and even if the pain or torment doesn’t stop, my mind doesn’t go down the old paths of fear and control. They don’t work the same as they used to and I am so thankful for it.
I know so many people are lost in hopelessness and despair as I once was, and I am here to tell you, don’t give up. Jesus has got you. He is with you. He has never let you go, not for one second. He has been taking the brunt of everything coming against you. The enemy has meant to take your life, and God has used his plans for your good because He loves you. I used to believe if God loved me He would take away every bad or threatening thing. Now I understand true love doesn’t take away pain, it stands with you in the midst of it and strengthens you and comforts you. That is who God is.
He understands how much good can come out of our trials and pain, and even more so, he takes what the enemy has done and turns it on its head. He makes a mockery of the Kingdom of Darkness for our benefit! The devil doesn’t have control over us, but he wants us to believe he does so we’ll turn our backs on God and give even more of ourselves over to him. God will never let that happen.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2