I never had a sure foundation until I met Jesus. Everything in my life was unstable and unpredictable. I never knew when I was going to be punished, tortured, or taken to a ritual. I have lived in constant fear and anxiety about what horrible thing will happen next.
Never knowing when the other shoe would drop is a terrifying way to live. I have looked for safety by trying to control my environment and circumstances every second of every day. Anything that was a hair out of place threw me into terror, which came out as rage. Despair and hopelessness have been my calling card. I could never know peace when my peace relied on not being harmed.
So it’s easy to understand that when your sense of safety and peace is based on circumstances, it would be easy to be blown to and fro with every change. But how do you feel safe when someone can walk into your house at any time and take you to a ritual? How do you feel safe when people in your neighborhood are from the coven you are leaving? How can you feel safe when people you meet are actually your programmers and handlers?
You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.
Psalm 119:114
Even though Jesus has done monumental work to bring me out of the occult and ritual abuse I still grapple with trying to maintain a certain level of control so I can feel safe. He has disconnected me from area covens, handlers, and programmers and stopped the ritual abuse. I am no longer being trafficked and used as a sex slave in local churches, but still, the feeling of safety eludes me. That is because when we try to find safety in our circumstances it will always be fleeting.
There is no such thing as safety in circumstances. Life is always going to throw us a curveball because people are sinners and this world is full of evil. There is no changing that until Jesus comes back and this world is made new. Thankfully God can use all circumstances to show us that He is actually the only place of refuge we have in this world.
For a long time suffering, or the suffering of others, has caused me tremendous pain and despair. It has led me to believe God is unreliable and untrustworthy. I have believed that if God allowed suffering then He is not the God I thought He was. There is no tenderness and mercy when the ones I love are being crushed under the cruel hand of suffering.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Yet God in His mercy has shown me that love and kindness aren’t based on circumstances. I was taught to believe that the relief of suffering was kindness and that making bad things go away is true love. That was taught to me over and over again as a child who was told to just comply and everything would be good again. Except relief was ever only temporary, and the suffering always returned.
That is where the goodness of God comes in. When we judge God on what our circumstances tell us, then we are judging Him unfairly. We see that He hasn’t changed our situation or relieved our pain and therefore He is untrustworthy. We believe He is a liar, or maybe He just doesn’t love us, but that is immature thinking that comes from a misconception of God. When we truly know God, we know that He has proven Himself time after time, and not always through circumstantial changes.
For me, it has been miraculous to see that God has stopped the ritual abuse and the ability for programmers to take me back for reprogramming whenever they want. I have felt a huge amount of relief and safety over time as it has proven to be true. However, it has also led me to the false expectation that if God is going to take that level of suffering away, then He is going to take all the suffering away.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
God does not want us to suffer, but He also isn’t afraid of our suffering, because He knows that suffering can produce the heart change that we really need. When God is allowed to transform our hearts in the midst of suffering and trials, He is also able to make even greater changes in our lives. Often times a heart change can produce a circumstantial change, but not always. However, when we are focused on seeing our problems disappear, we are missing an opportunity for even bigger miracles to happen in us.
No one likes pain or upheaval or unwanted change. Most people dread those things because it feels almost like a death. What we don’t understand is that death is not the end, but a new beginning. Just as a seed must die to produce new life, so must things in our lives face disruption in order for them to be renewed. If I never faced my need for a heart change, I wouldn’t be free now of Satanic ritual abuse now, because I had to realize I was desperately broken and in need of a Savior first.
Things must change, and change causes suffering, but suffering causes growth and renewal. I have seen it time and time again in my life, and the lives of others, and that is my proof that God is reliable. Yes, He has rescued me and stopped much of my pain and suffering. He has changed my circumstances and healed me, but more than that He has shown up when I needed Him most and He has helped me face the lies I believe about myself and about God.
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives.
John 12 :24
When we don’t look inside our hearts at the darkness lurking there, we cannot be free of it. It is allowed to fester and grow like an infection, and Jesus is the only cure. Yet when we allow the Son to shine on the dark places in our lives, it brings renewal and healing. We need to look no further than the places in our lives where Jesus has changed us to see that He is absolutely reliable and trustworthy.
So while today I mourn for the suffering of myself and my family, I look forward with hope and trust that God is making all things new, at just the right time.
“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’” Revelation 21:5
